


Flightless Crow

by TheColourlessNerd



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Acceptance, Ambiguous Relationships, Extreme Change, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, more tags will probably be added later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-07-12 21:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 35,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7123381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheColourlessNerd/pseuds/TheColourlessNerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>If you swallow a watermelon seed you get pregnant. Don’t worry, I’ve scared away the monsters in your closet. Children don’t get cancer. Bad things don’t happen to good people. This disease is really rare, there’s no way you’ve got it. Goodnight, Koushi.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_ To my dear friends and family, _

_ First of all, sorry for the sloppy writing. I know it’s not the most flattering thing to look at, but it’s definitely the best penmanship I’ve done in a long time. So hopefully you can all read it! _

_ I wanted to write something profound, some wise words or something useful. You know, how they do last letters in dramatic movies. I wanted to write something special and meaningful. There were many drafts, but they never came out quite right. Most of my letters ended up in the bin. Well, as close as I can get it in the bin anyway. Haha :) _

_ I realized after, probably, the seventh letter that in my writing, in this moment I can be free. Here with ink and words I can fly with you all in my mind, even though I can’t physically do that anymore. _

_ It took me a long time to finally be able to say that. To accept how my life would turn out with being diagnosed with this disease. For the longest time, I thought it was unfair. I was in my last year of high school, I was so close to going to Nationals with the best friends I’ve ever had, and then it felt like everything just hit some giant metaphorical fan and was torn to pieces. I wasn’t ready to think about the fact that one day I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I took for granted for so many years of my life. _

_ Eating, Speaking, Walking, and even Writing. Getting sick made me realize how all those typical everyday things everyone does, were very special gifts. Very special gifts that I would one day lose. _

_ And I realize that if it weren’t for all of you being by my side during these times, I would never have grown to accept it all. The symptoms or the help I would need just to get through daily life, and I thank you all very deeply for that. _

_ So if you’re reading this, I guess that my disease has run its course and that I’m finally dead now. It seems kind of morbid, writing that down, but this was another thing that I had come to accept. Dying, that is. _

_ Dying is something that we all expect to happen one day, but when you’re suddenly confronted with it head on so young and early-  time seems to slow and you evaluate and reevaluate everything. I knew that it would be hard, and it’s still hard, but I was finally able to reach a level of peace. Which is why, in writing this letter, I hope to help you all reach some level of peace as well. _

_I have lived a long and happy life._ _Twenty-five years._ _Twenty-five years_ _with the kindest, most patient people I am glad to call a family._

_ There are so many things I want to tell you all and I know that one day, I won’t be able to say it. So I’m doing what I do best; putting those words to paper. _


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Sugawara Koushi's morning is a little off.

_"Koushi!.... KOUSHI!"_

 

Sugawara Koushi woke with a start to the sound of his mother's shrieking.

 

He stretched out his body with an obnoxious yawn. It took a few moments for him to finally push himself into a sitting position, one hand sloppily rubbing away at the sleep in his eyes. What on earth was she yelling about so early in the morning?

 

_"KOUSHI, WAKE UP!"_

 

Suga stifled another yawn as he managed to yell back, "I'm awake!" He felt a irritation bubbling under his skin; this was a wake up call he didn't really care for.

 

"Koushi you're going to be late for school!"

 

Suga blinked in surprise. _School?_ He looked over at his alarm clock which failed to go off and his eyes nearly bulged out their sockets. "It’s 7:15?!" He missed his usual bus pick up!

 

With the grace of a dying walrus, Suga flung his blanket off of him and hopped off of his mattress, trying not to jump at the cold wood touching his bare feet. "Why didn't you try to wake me up?!" He frantically dug through his dresser for his uniform.

 

He heard his mother's voice rise from the first floor again. "I did try!" She countered. "Five separate times! This is why I told you not to practice so late on a Sunday!" There was a hint of smugness in her voice, the one typical to most parents when they managed to prove they were right and their kids were wrong.

 

"I know, Mom!" Suga groaned as he forced on a white undershirt and then reached for his black button up gakuran. _Damn it, I forgot about deodorant!_ He set down his gakuran and ran to the other side of his room to quickly apply a few layers to each underarm. _I really hate Mondays!_

 

Or at the very least, he hated this Monday.

 

His mind raced as he finally finished putting on his uniform and began organizing the contents of his backpack.

 

Homework folder -- check.

 

Notebooks -- check.

 

Writing utensils and highlighters -- check.

 

 _On Saturday I brought an extra set of clothes for practice to the locker rooms so I could bring back the dirty ones and not have to worry about this Monday..._ With an affirmative nod he slung his backpack over his shoulders and turned to go to the bathroom to brush his teeth.

 

However, the attempt was thwarted when he saw his dog wagging her tail expectantly outside his door, leash in her mouth. Her wide brown eyes were clearly saying, 'I want to go on a walk now!'. Suga smiled apologetically as he petted her head. "Sorry Mari, but it looks like Mom is going to have to take you on a walk this morning." He briefly admired her coat. She was a beautiful dog with her black-and-tan colouring, her belly fur a near white. Then without a moment to spare he continued his pursuit to the bathroom.

 

He really didn't have any time to waste if he wanted to make the 7:45 bus. "Mom what time is it?!" No reply. "Mom!" He leaned over the railing of the the stairs. "Time!"

 

"7:23!"

 

"Thank you!"

 

He scurried on to handle his business. So far, so good.

 

Making quick work of his teeth and combing his hair out in several quick strokes, Suga darted down the stairs, one hand on the railing. "Mom, can you walk Mari?" He was a little out of breath but otherwise okay. "I'm going to head to the bus sto--"

 

"Oh no you're not young man!" Sugawara Risa said disapprovingly, her arms crossed as her brown eyes stared her son down. "You're going to eat breakfast first. You have at least fifteen minutes and that's enough time to at least eat half your plate."

 

Suga opened his mouth to protest, but decided that he knew better than to argue with his mother on this. Risa was the type to make sure that her family got all three meals a day, and she'd rather let her son be late to school than have him miss breakfast. So with a nod, Suga hastily went to sit down at the table where his mother had set out their morning meal. There was only one plate there, so he assumed that his parents had already ate and his father had left for work. "When will dad be back again?" He asked over a bite of cold egg and toast.

 

"He said he had a short business trip in Fukuoka and that he'll probably be back late Saturday night or early Sunday morning. One or the other." His father, Sugawara Hiro, was a salaryman and Suga saw him most often on weekends.

 

His eyes flittered back and forth from his plate to the clock on the wall, feeling frustrated. He couldn't tell if the clock was going too slow or too fast for his tastes (pun not intended, he realized the setup with a bit of glee).

 

7:28.

 

_7:29._

 

_7:31._

 

_7:34._

 

Suga's grip on his chopsticks tightened anxiously as he tried to distract himself. _Staring down the clock won't make it go any faster._ He told himself, hoping to at least manage to stop looking for a few minutes. If he did that, it would be 7:40 in no time.

 

...

 

Suga couldn't help sneaking a peek. 7.36. That was it, he was leaving.

 

Placing his bowl on his plate, Suga stood up hastily. "I ate most of it so I'm going to leave no-- woah!" Suga cut himself off with a yelp as his sock slid across the hardwood. His hip hit the ground first as the silverware and china slipped out his hands and landed on the ground with the sound of broken ceramics ringing in his ears. _Oh no!_

 

"Koushi?!" He could hear his mother's footsteps as she hurried to the kitchen, no doubt wondering what the noise was. "Are you okay?!"

 

Suga nodded, reaching out for the table to heave himself up gingerly. His left side had a slight pain surging through it. He eyed the remains of what used to be apart of his mother’s favourite table set. The white and green bowl had a small chip on it while the white and green plate, which had taken most of the damage, was divided into chunks of varying sizes with some food stuff spread across the floor. "I just tripped is all. I think the bowl is gonna be fine, but I broke the plate. I'll clean this up." He'd just have to miss his first hour class.

 

He heard a sigh and felt a twinge of guilt. His mother really liked that plate. "It's alright, Koushi. I'll clean it up. You get to school."

 

"But--"

 

"No buts!" Risa eyes were soft and she had a small smile on her face. "I'll make sure to walk Mari too. But I'd rather you just miss some of class than to have you miss an entire one. So go on." She gestured towards the front door with her hands. "Shoo shoo! Your bus fare is on the counter."

 

Suga smiled in return and gave his mother a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek. "I'll make it up to you later!" He blew a kiss to Mari who had also shown up to see what had caused the noise in the kitchen and darted for the door, slipping his shoes on and grabbing his money.

 

"It’s 7:40!"

 

"I can make it!" If he ran he would definitely make the 7:45. It would be an hour long wait for a thirty minute bus ride if he didn’t. "Bye guys!"

 

"Have a good day at school!"

 

“I’ll try!”

 

~;’;~

 

“I missed half of first hour.” Suga sulked.

 

It was free period for the third years and instead of being able to enjoy it like the rest of his classmates, he was stuck copying the notes he missed from his best friend’s notebook. But it was better than a detention. Having a near perfect attendance record really worked to his advantage whenever he actually happened to show up tardy. He was copying down notes from his Japanese literature class on a few loose sheets of paper; note taking was an art form for Suga and he wasn’t going to sloppily place some sentences into his notebook. He’d just have to go back and add them to the blank pages while sprinkling on his colour coding and bad doodles.

 

Daichi gave him a playful shove, “Maybe next time you’ll try harder to not miss class.” He teased.

 

“Daichi, if I end up messing up a line because you shoved me I’m going to palm strike you to the chest.” Suga threatened as menacingly as he could and Daichi rolled his eyes. “Oh don’t roll your eyes at me young man. I don’t need any possibility of our beloved first years seeing you be disrespectful to their beloved vice captain.”

 

“But they can see their vice captain threatening to practically one hit KO their captain?” Daichi rebutted and Suga squinted his eyes.

 

“Touche.” He barely managed to reply as covered his mouth at the intrusion of another yawn.

 

“But you _were_ pretty late today.” Daichi eyed Suga suspiciously. “What happened? Overslept?” Suga could see Asahi peering into his peripheral vision, eyes full of concern.

 

“Yeah, I didn’t go to bed until around 3:30 I think.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Shh!”

 

Daichi gave an apologetic smile and wave to the peers around them before turning his gaze back onto Suga. “3:30? What’s wrong with you?”

 

“I got carried away with practicing on my own?”

 

“Is that a question or a statement?”

 

“A statement, Daichi. Quit probing me.”

 

“I’m not probing, I’m _worrying_.” Daichi crossed his arms. “How can you lecture us about going to bed late when you did it yourself? It’s hypocritical.”

 

Now Suga was the one rolling his eyes. “Practicing a few sets to improve my dexterity is a lot more reasonable an excuse than staying up watching animal documentaries.” He countered. That's exactly what Daichi did in their second year. “I had a cause. A mission for the greater good.” Even if a few sets was more-or-less a big understatement. His fingers were sore.

 

Asahi finally brought himself into the conversation. “Your health is a part of the greater good too, you know.” The tall ace of the Karasuno High School volleyball dark eyes glittered with worry. “If you get too tired and your grades started slipping…” He broke off, wondering how to continue on with his sentence.

 

“Asahi’s right.” Daichi gave Asahi a nod of agreement. “All the practice in the world won’t do you any good if it results with you not being able to participate in club activities because you’re too busy doing remedial classes or worse, sick from fatigue.”

 

Suga paused in his writing and stared at the paper. “I know.” He muttered. “I just… want to be ready for when the time comes you know.” He strained to give a realistic smile, but he was sure it looked forced. “We’re aiming for Nationals after all. I don’t want to be stuck warming the bench forever. So I want to keep up with everyone, any way I can. I mean, I never know when I’m going to play next and I don’t want to slack off and have that be the moment I get called in an official match.” Karma was funny that way and while in hindsight, it wasn’t the smartest idea he’d had in a while, but there were some risks he rather not take.

 

There was a pause and Suga began to write again as a distraction. “So,” he started, trying to think of a new conversation starter. “This morning I broke a plate.” It wasn’t the best topic to gab about, but it was the best he could think of in the five seconds he spent thinking. “That’ll remind me to buy some slip resistant socks.” He chuckled to himself as he brought a hand down to touch his left knee, swinging that leg slowly. His side felt a lot better compared to how they felt in that moment. His left arm resting on the table lazily.

 

“Don’t the Chinese consider breaking plates and ceramics a bad omen?” Daichi asked aloud to no one in particular. “Watch us not make it to National’s all because Suga decided to break one on this most fateful of days.”

 

Asahi looked frantic. “But it’s actually a good thing in certain cultures right?!” He waved his hands around as if the motions would make a culture pop up in his head. “Like, they break plates at Greek weddings right? Because something good is supposed to happen? So technically that could mean we’re going to have good luck instead!”

 

Suga grinned, “Yeah, Daichi. If anyone is about to give us bad luck it’s _you_ for mentioning the possibility of it.” He stuck out his tongue. “Quit putting your bad luck talk into the universe.”

 

“Yeah, yeah just put all the blame on ole Daichi when things really start to hit the fan.” The volleyball club captain sneered mockingly.

 

“We will.” Suga said without hesitation and the three of them laughed. It was good to talk to his friends like this when they weren’t doing much of anything. He almost couldn’t believe that they were third years. It seemed like such a long road to get here but looking back, those three years were actually a lot shorter than he thought. It was a hard concept to meld together and explain. Long and short at the same time. He wished he had a better word to describe the feeling. _It didn’t take all that long to actually get here._

 

“You okay over there?” Daichi’s voice interrupted Suga’s thought process.

 

Suga nodded. “Yeah I was just thinking about how we’re third years now and how pretty soon we’ll actually be graduating. It’s kinda hard to believe. Seems like yesterday almost.” That was so corny to say.

 

“You’re making us sound ancient, Suga, and I don’t like the feeling.” Daichi didn’t miss a beat. “Well, at the very least Asahi shouldn’t. Everyone thinks he’s been held back five times.”

 

Asahi flinched and grabbed his chest. “Low blow, Daichi.” He whimpered. He remembered the bystanders from their match with Tokonami High and each comment felt like an arrow to the heart.

 

Suga chuckled and gave Asahi a pat on the back. “Stop being mean to Asahi, you know he’s fragile.” But he knew it was all in good fun, easily able to spot the good humoured gleam in Daichi’s eyes. It wasn’t that it was necessarily rare for Daichi to act his own age and be mischievous, it was just usually considerably toned down for the sake of being a responsible figure for their younger and much rowdier teammates. “In order to make it up to him, you’ll take us to eat Korean barbecue on graduation day.”

 

Daichi snorted. “Just don’t go over my budget.”

 

“We’ll try.” Suga gave Asahi a nudge and was happy to see that there was an amused expression on the his face. “See Asahi, his treat. And when we’re all old and wrinkly, Daichi’s gonna pay for our caretaker homes with his retirement funds.”

 

“I never said all that. Pay for your own retirement.”

 

Before Suga could retort with a quip of his own the bell rang. Damn, free period was over. _I didn’t get to finish._ He’d have to keep his playful banters short next time if that were the case. “Were you able to get all of the notes down?” Daichi asked.

 

Suga shook his head as he made a mental note of what sentence he was on before closing the notebook shut as Daichi held his hand out expectantly. “I’ll just finish writing them during lunch. Thanks for letting me use them.” He said gratefully as he turned to hand the spiral notebook to where Daichi’s hand waited. Only to be surprised when said spiral notebook flung out from his fingers.

 

“I’m so sorry!” Suga stood up to retrieve what he accidentally tossed a desk away from where he and his friends sat. It really felt like his grip was tighter than that. He looked at his right hand with a weary expression and flexed his fingers a few times. Was it blood circulation? “I must be more tired than I thought.” Then just as if to prove his point, another yawn erupted from throat. “I somewhat regret my decision.” This time he properly gave Daichi his notebook, both hands clenching at the edges tightly.

 

“Well, good.” Daichi took his notebook a little offput.

 

“Just…” Asahi’s gaze lingered on Suga as he stood up to leave for his own classroom. “Make sure you get a lot of rest tonight. Okay?”

 

Suga felt guilty for the second time that day when he saw the concern in Asahi’s eyes. “I promise I’ll rest up the moment I get home and after I finish up any assignment I can’t finish in five minutes.” Asahi nodded at last before exiting the room in a few simple strides. _Tall people must have it made._ Suga thought wistfully. The amount of tall people he knew, especially the amount of tall people younger than him, made him feel threatened.

 

 _Please don’t let me fall asleep in class._ He begged to whatever power was up there as he saw his Physics teacher enter the room.

 

And as luck would have it, Suga managed to stay awake the whole day. _I sincerely regret my decision._ He thought to himself as he followed his friends down the stairs to go to the gym. “See.” Daichi said over his shoulder. “What’s the lesson we learned? Actually go to sleep when you need to.”

 

“Now you’re just rubbing it in.” Suga mumbled. Hinata and Kageyama raced past them and Suga felt him yawning for what felt like the umpteenth time that day. “I envy the young people’s energy.” He sighed. If it weren’t those two, it was Tanaka and Nishinoya instead and he wasn’t sure which pair was the rowdiest. “At least I made sure to already have my gym clothes packed up here. That might’ve caused a lot more havoc if I had to carry my gym stuff too.” He’d probably have tripped on his way to the bus stop.

 

“Well at least I know there are times you’re actually responsible.”

 

“Oh hush we’re in front of our kouhai, Daichi. I have a reputation to uphold.”

 

“Just as long as you don’t feel like you need to miss practice today to catch up on some sleep, I’ll be fine.” Daichi replied. “You _are_ sure about that right? Because I’m sure you can just explain that to the coach--”

 

“I’m _fine_.” Suga said in exasperation and he sped up a few steps to walk next to Asahi. “I’ll set you some good ones today!” Suga grinned holding up a hand for a high five.

 

Asahi nodded and accepted the offer, bringing his palm to Suga’s. “I’ll be counting on you.”

 

“Same here, ace.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And hello, hello, everybody! Welcome to the first /official/ chapter of Flightless Bird, a multichapter fanfic written by two completely different people living in two completely different countries. We're both pretty excited to be writing this and we hope to get a lot of readers from this (and who knows, maybe some fanfiction fanart if we're lucky). The two users writing this story are [themultifandomnerd](http://archiveofourown.org/users/themultifandomnerd/works) and [ColourlessZero ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ColourlessZero/works)and aside from the prologue, which we both wrote together on google docs, we will both be taking turns writing out the chapters.
> 
> All the odd numbered chapters will be written by me, the Nerd. And all the even numbered chapters are going to be written by my lovely comrade in New Zealand, Colourless (who also wrote the summary because I suck at them, so thanks bro!).
> 
> We also have an interesting gimmick going on as well:
> 
> \+ The other author won't know the contents of the next chapter until it has been posted by that chapter's designated author, just like the readers.  
> \+ Whatever the contents, we have to roll with the punches and continue on the story line.
> 
> So trust me when I say there will be times when we, the authors, will be freaking out with you because while we've talked general ideas on what we would do... the steps to get to those features are in the air. So hopefully you guys will enjoy the journey (and this chapter better not have any typos because I read over it five times --just watch there be a typo--)! 
> 
> Nerd Out.


	3. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, Azumane Asahi worries.

There’s something about night that changed the way Asahi saw things. The darkness was obvious, of course, but it was never completely devoid of light. When his eyes got used to it, it's how different things looked wrapped in shadow and tinged with just a touch of light from things like clocks, oven lights and whatnot. The street lights outside on the other hand only intensified shadows. Warping plants and garbage cans into strange, unfriendly shapes.

So it was no surprise when he heard a cat yowling he almost screamed. Tearing his eyes away from the small window he hurriedly washed his hands. Ice cold water chilled his fingers to the bone.

He took care never to look in the mirror. When he was younger his parents told him if he looked into a mirror in the dead of night a ghost would be summoned and try to possess him.

It probably wasn't true. Better safe than sorry though.

Asahi silently tip-toed across the floorboards, carefully avoiding the creaky ones because they always made a scary sound. He really should stop drinking hot chocolate right before bedtime to avoid waking up having to go to the bathroom. Then again, who could resist velvety marshmallow melted into the creamiest milk chocolate beverage? Clearly, not him. It’s heaven in a cup and he had a sweet tooth.

He checked his phone briefly, the electronic glow blinding him for a few seconds. He squinted at the screen. 2:30AM. Good, he can still get another five hours sleep if he went back to bed right this moment.

At the mention of sleep his mind wandered to Suga. Lately he seemed to be having trouble staying awake. Asahi was worried for his friend.

Daichi had long since stopped trying to get their friend to be good and go to sleep. Suga thought he was being sneaky but unlike Daichi who fumbled with technology Asahi was adept at tracking people online. (Something that almost got him arrested a few times. He wasn’t even doing anything suspicious. He was only letting some online bullies have a piece of his mind. Repeatedly. On all platforms. Ok, maybe that was a little aggressive.) Suga could appear offline as much as he wanted, but according to his posts he probably was still awake at roughly 3AM.

Consistently not getting enough sleep was like slowly killing yourself. He wanted Suga to be healthy. He supposed it wouldn’t hurt to check on Suga before going to bed. He tapped out a quick text.

**Asahi:** Suga, are you still up?

He waited for a little while, feeling more and more relieved with every passing second. _Ahh, it seems like he’s finally gone to bed._

He snuggled into his toasty cocoon of blankets and almost sighed at the welcome warmth. Tomorrow Suga would be refreshed too and be a little less clumsy. Just yesterday he tried to sit in a chair and nearly fell off because he misjudged the distance.

As soon as his head hit the fluffy pillow his eyes drifted closed, ready to dream about birds and clouds. Maybe he can play with the pet dog he had when he was little in another dream. The thought brought a smile to his face.

_Bzzt._

His hand shot out like lightning to grab his phone off the bedside cabinet.

**Suga:** Yea. Are you worried about something again~?

_SUGA, NO._ Asahi rubbed the sleep out of his eyes.

**Asahi:** SUGAAAA!!! Why are you still up? You’re supposed to be sleeping   
**Suga:** Oh~? Why are you still up then, Asahi?   
**Asahi:** I had to go pee. Suga, go to sleep.   
**Suga:** I will, I just have a few minutes to go on this volleyball video. The Brazilian team is so amazing!!   
**Asahi:** How many minutes is a few minutes?

For a while Suga didn’t reply. Asahi wasn’t convinced though. He knew Suga and his slippery ways.

Asahi quickly flipped through his notifications. His mouth pressed into a tight line. Suga had just posted a motivational quote and a pile of puppies. He gingerly pressed the button, very reluctantly liking the puppies. He doesn’t support this late night browsing at all.

**Asahi:** Suga...I know you’re still there   
**Suga:** 3 minutes   
**Asahi:** 30 minutes is too long. Go to sleep   
**Suga:** HOW DID YOU KNOW   
**Asahi:** You always drop a zero when I ask   
**Suga:** Ok. Fine. If I must.

Suga really was a lost cause. It didn’t stop the glass-hearted ace from worrying though.

**Asahi:** You’re right, Daichi. It’s impossible to get Suga to go to bed   
**Daichi:** Well well well, what do we have here?   
**Asahi:** ???   
**Daichi:** It’s well past your bedtime young man   
**Asahi:** You’re only older by a day!   
**Asahi:** Wait, you’re awake too???   
**Daichi:** I’m the captain. I get to do whatever I want

Was anyone on the team getting the sleep they needed?

He wondered if the others were asleep. Somehow he’s not worried about Noya. It’s nonsense, but he would believe it if anyone told him Noya didn’t need sleep. Ennoshita probably never slept either. Or was it just his face? Asahi immediately shut down the thought. He shouldn’t think mean things.

Imagination running wild, he tossed and turned all night, guessing his teammates’ sleep habits.

+

Outside of class Asahi doggedly followed Suga everywhere like a shadow. To the hallway, the lockers, even the bathroom. Wherever Suga was, he was there too. He was taking no chances. Suga might pass out anywhere.

There were whispers from the first years that he was bullying Suga. Every word was a stab to the heart, but it was nothing compared to Suga’s yawning fits. He’s yawning so much he had permanent tears in his eyes. If Suga kept going like this it wasn’t going to end well.

“Asahi, you really don’t need to do this.” Suga insisted for the hundredth time that day.

He looked so tired. Asahi wasn’t sure if he looked exhausted because of the sleep, because he was sick of Asahi following him around or both,“You’re dead on your feet, Suga.”

Right on cue Suga yawned so widely a tear rolled down his cheek. He wiped at it with the cuff of his sleeve.

A nearby first year whispered to her friend, “Did you see that? That scary guy made him cry!”

Asahi tried his best to ignore the first year. Very carefully he said, “I’m worried you’ll trip and hurt yourself.”

At this a storm brewed over Suga’s features. Asahi was always wary of Daichi’s temper, but Suga when angry was even scarier. He audibly gulped.

Sharp words tumbled out of Suga’s mouth, quick with frustration, “Asahi, I’m not made of glass. I can take care of myself. There’s no need for you to do any of this. It’s suffocating.” He crossed his arms with a sense of finality and stalked off leaving behind a stunned Asahi.

Asahi guessed he could follow him a little further away.

+

On the way home Suga was at the crossing having yet another yawning fit. Asahi would have to step quietly to reach him before he notices.

Cars and buses were whooshing by, sunlight gliding off windows that reflected a smattering of clouds on a blue sky. A group of students meandered down the path with snacks chatting about their day.

That’s good. He could hide behind them for a bit.

Then Suga tipped forward like he was going to cut across busy traffic.

No.

He’s _falling._

Adrenaline spiked up beneath Asahi’s skin. Time felt like a thick sludge holding him in place. The distance should only take a few strides, but his feet wouldn’t move fast enough. All the while gravity dragged Suga towards the cars.

He pushed past the students and reached out as far as he could. At the last second desperate fingers curled around the back of Suga’s collar.

Asahi shattered with both relief and pain. “This,” he dragged Suga back behind him, refusing to look at him. “Is this what you want?” Voice unbearably cold and quiet he gestures at the passing traffic with large hands toughened with callouses. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes.

Wordlessly, Suga led him towards a nearby park. They didn’t say anything at all. Together they simply watched the shadows grow longer and longer as the sun sank lower and lower beneath the red horizon.

At long last Asahi calmed down.

Suga finally spoke, “You don’t get it, Asahi.” He looked at something in the distance with a far away expression, the setting sun carving shadows into his face. “You’re the ace. You can’t be replaced.”

An orange blur briefly flashed into his mind. Asahi imagined what Suga saw would be black hair and blue eyes.

“You’re irreplaceable too. Is this about Kageyama?”

“It’s not,” Suga said softly. His hands clenched into fists on his lap. “Asahi, it’s nothing personal. I just want to be my best for the team when the time comes. We’ve come so far. We can finally go to nationals! I don’t want to let anyone down.”

“You never have.” Asahi turned to him then and bent down a little into a small bow, “Suga, please sleep. I’m begging you.”

Suga stared at him. A soft breeze rustled through his hair. In the silence all they could hear were leaves fluttering on branches.

“I promise.”

Asahi held out his pinky, “Promise?”

“I promise.” Suga repeated finally with a smile on his face.

Suga moved to pull away but Asahi curled his pinky tightly. Suga almost winced.

“Wait! Stamp it!”

Suga laughed like he always did. He pressed his thumb to Asahi’s, “There. Now it’s official.”

+

Shoes squeaked loudly across the floor. A strong bounce and a shout of “Alright!” Then a loud thwap of hand connecting to ball, punctuated by a loud smash to the ground. Hinata and Kageyama made incoherent squawks. Their new moves were coming together nicely.

Suga actually looked alive today during practice. He wasn’t yawning or fighting to stay awake anymore. Asahi was glad as he watched him toss to Narita at the opposite side of the gym. Kinoshita and Ennoshita were practicing their receives there too.

“Nothing quite like a close shave with death to break a habit, huh.” Noya squirted water into his mouth and wiped stray droplets on the back of his hand.

“Close shave with death? What are you talking about?” Daichi asked, as he too gulped down water.

Asahi sweated nervously. Now would be a good time to slink back to the opposite side of the gym where Suga’s tossing to Narita. He slowly edged away from the conversation. A little way away he began walking quickly. Hopefully not fast enough to draw Daichi’s attention.

“Asahi didn’t tell you? Suga-san almost fell onto a busy road a few days ago. Luckily he was there.”

“WHAT?!” Daichi’s making that scary face. The kind that gives Asahi nightmares.

Sprinting! Sprinting now, to safety!

“Asahi!” Suga waved him over. “Want to hit some tosses?”

There really is a god out there, “I’d love to.”

Before Daichi could drag him back for questioning Asahi did his run up to the net as Suga made his toss.

He leapt and flew high above the net. He never got tired of this feeling. The spring in his muscles, the feeling of air rushing past his face. And finally, the heft of the ball slamming against his hand.

It smashed into the ground with a loud thwack.

Staring at his hand Asahi opened and closed it with a frown.

“Something wrong, Asahi?”

He couldn’t put his finger on it, but something was different about that toss. It felt...off. “Suga, did you do anything different with your toss?”

“No? Was it difficult to hit?”

“No! No, it was a good toss,” He scratched at his stubble in confusion. “Just different somehow. Narita, what do you think?”

Suga tossed to Narita. It didn’t look any different than usual, but Asahi swore something about it just wasn’t the same. Was it the speed? The angle?

“I don’t know, it feels about the same for me.” Narita replied, after he landed with a thud.

Asahi continued hitting Suga’s tosses, alternating with Narita until practice ended. He still couldn’t shake off the feeling that something wasn’t right.

Was it his imagination?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your resident angst bucket reporting for duty *CLANG!!* Hey guys, Zero here V^^V This is my first chapter here so I hope you guys liked it =D 
> 
> Like Nerd said last chapter, I'll be writing the even numbered chapters. It's going to be really fun writing this not knowing what's in store for the next chapter. Surprises are so fun~ ^0^
> 
> Let us know what you think!


	4. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, there are contemplations and preparations.

Suga’s lips pursed in irritation.

 

It had been about a month since his “near death experience” of nearly falling in the middle of ongoing traffic. It didn’t take that long for Daichi to find out either, and he’d of course been scolded for what felt like centuries. Suffice to say, he’d been getting more sleep. Asahi had been making sure of that what with his constant barrage of texts and supervision. But all the sleep in the world didn’t seem to solve Suga’s new problem.

 

Clumsiness.

 

It had been understandable during the time he’d been sleep deprived in practice. But now that he wasn’t, what was the excuse now?

 

Stumbles, tripping, miss tosses. Sometimes he’d miss a pass completely and the ball would land right next to him on the gym floor. There were even times the ball would fly through his hands and hit his face.

 

And it was becoming very apparent that the disruptions in practice were becoming an annoyance.

 

Well, at least for the coach.

 

Ukai made no effort to hide his displeasure in the sudden change in Suga’s performance. In fact, Suga was pretty sure he was only a few lovely screw ups away from being publicly humiliated in front of the team and sent home.

 

Suga cursed inwardly when he dropped his _ganmodoki_ back on his plate for what felt to be the hundredth time that evening. Butterfingers strike again.

 

He felt a small surge of bitterness as he thought back to practice.

 

Whatever. Tomorrow was a new day. Which meant another chance to straighten out whatever clumsy funk he had gotten himself into.

 

Then he dropped his ganmo again. _And apparently the chance doesn’t want to happen in this instance._ Suga wanted to sigh heavily.

 

The young setter directed his attention back to his parents who were talking amongst themselves. His father looked as jovial as usually was when he returned home from his business trips. “... and that’s when Sakazaki had the nerve to tell me my jokes were terrible!” Sugawara Hiro said with a mouthful of meat and veggies in his mouth. “My jokes are the funniest thing this side of Miyagi prefecture! I could go to Osaka and be in a comedy show if I wanted to!”

 

Suga pursed his lips again, this time to hold back a surge of laughter.

 

“Hiro, don’t talk with your mouth full.” Risa rolled her eyes, but the amusement in them were clear to see. “But I am sure that your jokes would definitely give the Osakans a run for their money… since they would be losing it if you were the one telling them.”

 

“Risa!”

 

This time Suga couldn’t help full on laughing.

 

“Not you too, Son!”

 

Suga covered his mouth to hide his widening smile. “There is no such thing as loyalty when it comes to your jokes, Dad.”

 

“Koushi, your jokes are just as bad.”

 

“Mom!”

 

“It was such a nightmare when I discovered you got your father’s sense of humour.” Risa sighed, rubbing her temples. “‘Mom, wanna know what a cabbage merchant uses to fix his cabbages? A cabbage patch!’ ‘Ok, but _orange_ you glad I didn’t say’ however the rest of that stupid joke went. It drives me crazy.”

 

Suga pouted, “You laughed at some of them.”

 

“Only because you were laughing so hard at them dear.”

 

Hiro shook his head in disbelief, “Comedy runs in the Sugawara family’s veins.” He took a large gulp of water. “Sugawara men are cultivated with various skills and humour to assist them with life. Koushi and I are no different.” Hiro grinned and Suga grinned back. It was nice to have _someone_ appreciate his jokes, even if they were terrible from time to time. “Speaking of various skills,” Hiro prompted suddenly. “How’s volleyball, Son? You finally take your place as regular from that angry blueberry.” Hiro had seen Kageyama a few times from a distance.

 

Risa promptly swatted his arm. “He’s a fifteen year old boy and you’re twice his age talking about his facial features?”

 

“I was being nice! I called him a blueberry!” Hiro retorted before looking back at his son. “I just want to see you play in a few more games before you graduate, and since I’m always busy I end up missing them. I’d love to see you in _something_.”

 

Suga tried his best to not make some kind of face. “Erm…” He broke off and stared down at his plate. He had stopped attempting to lift his fried tofu fritter when he had jumped into his parents conversation and now, it was looking more appealing. “We’ve only really had the Tokyo training camp and some practice matches with other schools in the prefecture, so there’s no real need for me to be called in unless Kageyama’s injured or distraught. Well, I did participate more with the training camp games. We’re just passing time before we go and face on Seijou.” _More or less._ “We’ve mostly been focusing on the upcoming sports festival.” He was hoping that would completely keep the conversation completely away from the topic of volleyball.

 

“A sports festival? Those were the days.” Hiro sighed nostalgically. “Does your class know what it’ll be doing?”

 

Suga nodded, relieved. “Basketball tournament.”

 

“Make sure to give ‘em hell!” Hiro guffawed obnoxiously and suddenly an image of the Fukurodani Academy volleyball club captain filled Suga’s mind. He feared the day the two of them would ever meet.

 

“I’ll try.” Suga said meekly. Basketball was not his forte.

 

The talking at the table only relented for what felt like minutes when Risa finally said something. “Koushi.” Suga looked up. “Are you not hungry? You’ve barely touched your food.”

 

Suga blinked in surprise and looked down at his plate; his mother was right. It was mostly just broken up bits of whatever hadn’t managed to stay on his chopsticks while he ate. “No, I am.” He smiled to reassure her going in to pick up the ganmo he’d been struggling to lift up completely.

 

To drop it again.

 

Hiro made an amused comment, “You’ve been dropping that same piece of ganmo for ages.” So his parents _had_ noticed. Suga felt embarrassment sink into his skin.

 

Determination anew, Suga pinched the fritter tightly with his chopsticks and brought his free hand underneath it until he finally got the food into his mouth where it belonged, chewing in satisfaction. “See?” He made quick work of swallowing the tofu down before his mother could make a comment about eating and talking at the same time. “I didn’t drop it this time.” He felt smug at the fact.

 

He looked back at his plate and quickly lost his enthusiasm. There was still quite a bit on his plate and he really didn’t want to try and eat all of it if he would have to go through trial-and-error droppings first. “You know,” he gave an apologetic smile. “I’m really not all that hungry. I wouldn’t mind having this as lunch tomorrow though.”

 

Risa’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment before she opened her lips again. “Have you been eating properly?” She asked sharply. “You’ve lost weight.”

 

“What, no I haven’t.” Suga said defensively. “And if I did then I guess that’s just less weight to keep me down when I play volleyball.” Lighter jumps for jump tosses across the court.

 

“Kou--”

 

“Risa, leave the poor boy alone, you heard him!” Hiro jumped to his son’s aid. “You’re just worrying too much. It’s probably just a sports thing. Some fad all athletes are going through.”

 

Risa looked as if she was ready to protest again, but she closed her mouth and stared at her plate before finally looking up. “I’m going to wash the dishes. Just leave your plate here. I’ll preserve it so you can eat it at school tomorrow then.”

 

Suga felt a sense of relief and anxiety. “I’m going to take a bath.” He stood up and staggered a bit when he started walking, but he made quick work of walking correctly again. He was almost a hundred percent sure his mother was watching him leave.

 

When he finally gathered all his things and reached the bathroom, Suga stared at his reflections for a few minutes.

 

Up close.

 

Then further back.

 

With his shirt on.

 

Then with his shirt off.

 

Had he really lost weight?

 

 _I’ll ask Daichi or something._ And with that, Suga officially pushed the thought out of his mind welcoming to feel the warm water on his skin after he finished scrubbing off. Sundays were always the best day for a bath.

 

It felt like a cleansing.

 

Or maybe he was getting senile. His friends would get a kick out of that.

 

Finishing his bath, Suga returned downstairs to see that his father was now in the living room watching some drama and his mother was still in the kitchen. He chose to check on the latter. “Do you want me to do the dishes instead?” He didn’t mind.

 

“No.” Risa replied. “It’s fine, I’ll have you spot me some other Sunday.” Doing dishes and all around kitchen patrol changed per day of the week. Suga’s days were Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday while his mother had Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Sundays were interchangeable depending on who had more energy to do them. It was more fair that way.

 

“Okay…” Suga sat down at the table not sure what to do with his free time, letting the house fall silent save for his father’s occasional outbursts and the noise the TV made. Maybe he could study? Or look over the colleges he was preparing to take the entrance exams for.

 

“Koushi?” Or talk to his mother.

 

“Hmm?” Suga laid his chin on his hands.

 

“Have you…” Risa paused for a long time. Suga sat up fully, eyes glistening in wonder. “Have you been getting enough rest?”

 

 _That’s all? She almost made me think I was in trouble._ Suga laid back down. “Trust me, Mother.” He began with a chuckle. “I’m most definitely getting more than enough sleep nowadays.” Asahi and Daichi filtered through his conscience.

 

“As reassuring as that is honey, I meant have you been _resting_.” Risa turned around and before Suga to attempt to ask her what the difference was, she had begun a new sentence. “Have you been practicing too hard or doing too much work you can handle?”

 

“No…” Suga answered, feeling unsure. He’d been limiting the amount of time he spent doing free practice outside of official times to appease the worrying squad of friends he had. But his mother’s persistent gaze was making him feel like he wasn’t even telling the truth. What was she getting at?

 

His face must of have made it obvious what he was thinking because Risa continued on, drying her hands on a cloth then sitting down across from him. “I’m worried about you, Koushi.” She said at last. “You’ve been tripping so much lately. And you dropping your food has been happening for the past few days.” It had been? Suga himself hadn’t even noticed that. “And at first I thought that maybe it was because you hadn’t been giving yourself enough rest but then you told me you were, and now I’m--” Risa broke off as she realized she was beginning to ramble. “I want you to have a check up.”

 

It took a lot of effort to not exclaim in return. “A check up? For being clumsy?”

 

His mother placed a hand on one of his shoulders. “Only to make sure this isn’t anything major. I’m scared you’re really going to hurt yourself.”

 

_“I’m worried you’ll trip and hurt yourself.”_

 

Asahi had told him the same thing a month ago.

 

“I’m _fine_.” Suga emphasized the end. “Clumsiness isn’t some weird disease, it’s probably just something else. Like nerves.” He snapped his fingers when ‘nerves’ hit his mind. “Nationals are coming up and we have to beat Shiratorizawa in order to qualify. Anyone would start getting the pre-game jitters.”

 

Risa still look unconvinced.

 

“Mom, really--”

 

“If this clumsiness of yours doesn’t start showing any signs of loosening up, or if you lose anymore weight. I’m taking you to the clinic.” There was complete finality in Risa’s voice, leaving no room for argument. That was going to be the deal; take it or leave it.

 

Suga sighed. “Deal.”

 

* * *

 

“No, no, we need something that will make the other classes tremble with _fear_.”

 

“I’m pretty sure a grizzly bear is scary enough to make anyone tremble with fear.”

 

Suga watched as his two classmates argued over the class logo image in amusement. It was Wednesday, and as far as progress went, it was going steadily for his class. He’d known most of his classmates since first year and time and time again without fail they had always been too into the festivals that Karasuno hosted. Maybe it didn’t help that the student council president --Kido Miwako-- was in his class as well. She had always taken festivals very seriously. More seriously than the entire class put together.

 

In fact, she was one of the people arguing over the class logo design. She was vying for there to be a scarier class logo. Miwako was a very competitive person.

 

“I’m sure glad we didn’t get put in the group that has to make the logo.” Suga could hear someone muttering.

 

It was understandable. Miwako could be a difficult person to work with; but Suga was working with her. And he was going to make it work. Even if that meant he would to constantly have to draw something different. (And by draw he meant, make an extremely shitty draft picture with stick figures and other shapes.)

 

“Hey Sugawara-san, do you have any ideas?” Miwako got his attention. Beside her, he could see Kiritani Oboro’s face twisting in dismay.

 

Guess this meant he’d be drawing something different again.

 

“Not in particular.” Suga said, hoping to not get thoroughly involved with the disagreement. “I’m fine with just about anything.” _But I do think that the art club wants us to hurry up and submit our design already._ He knew better than to say that last thing out loud. The three of them had been each drawing a sample logo in their mind based off their ideas in order to pick the best one in order to have the art club draw a better version of it.

 

Miwako gave him a look of frustration. Clearly that wasn’t the answer she was hoping for. “I’d prefer ideas rather than a mediator.” She replied tersely.

 

“You’re taking this too seriously. I don’t even think the other classes are coming up with a class logo, quit making extra work.” Oboro snapped.

 

Miwako’s eyes flashed and Suga sighed as he attempted to keep the shaky peace once more. “How about we just have two animals for the logo instead of just one and we’ll work from there. That way it’s twice as intimidating.”

 

“... Fine.” Came the begrudging response.

 

“Now that that’s settled. Since Kiritani chose a grizzly bear, that means Kido-san gets to choose the other animal. And then we can focus on the style of writing we want to use.”

 

“A tiger.”

 

Suga sat down with a sigh. Being on a team that consisted of the student council president and the person who lost the election for student council president was hard work in its own right. In fact, he and Daichi both had their worked cut out for them as far as the festival went-- and not just because of the basketball tournament.

 

There was also going to be a relay race for the sports-oriented clubs and teams. It was agreed upon that it wasn’t fair for an entire team of athletes to participate in things they excelled in. So a four man relay race was agreed upon-- with the first and second years being in the roster. _We third years are leaving this to you!_ Suga said to the imaginary Kageyama, Hinata, Tanaka, and Noya in his head.

 

That’s when he felt the buzz in his pocket.

 

 **Daichi:** having fun?

 

Suga looked over to where the sender was and wasn’t surprised to see the grin on Daichi’s face.

 

 **Me:** oh hush.   
**Daichi:** i don’t envy you anyway   
**Daichi:** do you think we’ll win the relay race?   
**Me:** of course we will. We’ll be missing four teammates otherwise.

 

Suga peeked over to see Daichi chuckling.

 

 **Daichi:** please don’t kill our friends  
**Me:** i’ll try not to.

 

As long as the volleyball club had absolute victory over the soccer club, Suga wouldn’t have any reason to decimate his underclassmen. His rivalry with the soccer club member Yoshida wouldn’t allow it.

 

 **Daichi:** you are pure evil under that angelic face  
 **Me:** oh go back to working on your banner

 

With that Suga put his phone away and regained his focus on the task at hand. He already had a badly drawn grizzly on his paper, now he needed to add the tiger.

 

He blinked a few times. The picture was suddenly blurry for a few seconds.

 

_Must have been something in my eye._

 

It didn’t take much longer to finish up his drawing after his vision went back to being clear again. After that it didn’t take much longer for the bell ending free period to ring. Miwako had taken the papers saying that they would vote on the best picture at lunch and then they would give it to the art club.

 

Aside from that, the rest of the day flew by relatively quickly until it came time to head over to the gym to practice. Asahi stood by the door on cue as usual.

 

Protective as ever, Asahi without fail always sent Suga a text at ten thirty to remind him to start to get some rest. It was better than getting followed all the time to keep him from falling into busy streets though. A compromise for Suga going to sleep on time, though Suga was sure that Asahi occasionally broke said compromise when he wasn’t paying attention.

 

Asahi could be surprisingly stubborn when he wanted to be.

 

That being said, Suga was dreading the thought of going to practice.

 

 _Don’t let me fall today, don’t let me fall today._ Suga prayed silently as he stretched the upper half of his body. He’d mostly been alright today, aside from staggering a few times when he walked.

 

He just hoped that a few staggers was all he got.

 

“Alright everyone!” Ukai’s voice rang out across the gym above the sound of squeaking shoes and low chattering. “Let’s get down to business! The ones on the roster for the relay race, you guys need to work on baton passing. So everyday for practice until we get to the day of the relay, you four are going to spend the first thirty minutes trying to pass the baton successfully.”

 

 _“Huh?!”_ Hinata squeaked, dismay evident on his face.

 

“Got any complaints there, Hinata?”

 

“E-er, no sir…” But there was still a look of envy at the fact that he’d have to watch everyone else play volleyball for thirty minutes while he did something completely different.

 

“Good.” Ukai crossed his arms. “As for the rest of you; today’s the only day you’re getting a grace period to work on whatever you want. Synchronized attacking, serves, two on two matches, peppering, just actually be doing something.” Suga was pretty sure the unspoken part of that was that Ukai would be too busy making sure Kageyama and Hinata weren’t trying to kill each other when passing the baton but who could really be sure? “Now finish warming up and do two laps around the gym.”

 

Suga sighed. His main concern were the first year runners. To be honest he couldn’t see Tanaka and Noya messing up much in their part in passing the baton, they were the best of friends and often in sync when it came to their mischief.

 

It was the arguing duo he was mostly concerned about.

 

That and running laps, but Suga was pleasantly surprised when he didn’t have any kind of accident. “Oh, good.” He heard Asahi breathe. “You didn’t trip this time.” He looked as visually pleased as Suga felt.

 

“Have _some_ confidence in me please.” Suga grumbled. “Does anyone want to try synchronized attacking then?”

 

The relay racers were already on their way to the side of the gym Ukai was on for their mini relay practice.

 

“I’ll do it with you.” Ennoshita offered immediately.

 

“Me too.”

 

Pretty soon there was a decent selection of contenders and Suga grinned. “I’ll go get a ball then.” Yachi and Kiyoko had already taken out the carts and were currently by the coach listening to whatever instructions he was giving his relay trainees.

 

“We’ll be by the net then.”

 

Suga nodded with a sound of confirmation as he turned to get a good armful of balls. But he found himself stuck in a transition position, a foot ready to move while the other waiting patiently for the former to make the switch.

 

“Sugawara-san?”

 

Suga paid no attention to who had called his name.

 

His foot wouldn’t move.

 

“Sugawara-san?” The voice called out again, louder, and Suga turned his head trying to keep his panic from showing. It was Yamaguchi.

 

“Hmm?” His voice was strangled. It felt like he was yelling out commands to a rebellious child, the child being his right foot which was still stuck in it’s uncomfortable position.

 

“I…” Yamaguchi glanced down at Suga’s feet then back up at his face again and Suga felt more self conscious. Could he tell there was something wrong. “I was just wondering if you wanted any help in getting the balls.”

 

“Oh um, sure.” Suga chirped when his foot finally moved forward causing him to stagger. “Sorry.” He chuckled when he saw the look Yamaguchi gave him.. “I was just working on my balance for a few seconds, that’s all. Let’s hurry up.”

 

Suga walked slowly first, then sped up to a normal stride until he got to the carts.

  
What the hell just happened?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUN DUN DUN! The Nerd is back-- with chapter 3 included. 
> 
> It's Suga POV again, but this chapter was fun to write so I hope you guys enjoy reading it. And I also hope it is torture trying to guess what Zero and I are planning to do each chapter. Cuz it sure is torture waiting for the other person to finish writing in order to see what they did that way you can come up with a way to get back at them! 
> 
> That aside, the sports festival. I hope you guys don't mind how I just slammed that in there, but thinking back to how there was no exact date on when the festival took place-- I decided to do a time tweak and add it into the story.
> 
> Any hoozies, I'm more-or-less satisfied with how the chapter came out since I was a little salty chapter one wasn't as long as looked on my Google Docs. But still, I hope you guys keep on reading and come back for whatever Zero plans to do for chapter 4.
> 
> (And yes I got the cabbage joke from Sokka from Avatar.)


	5. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ukai Keishin tries his best.

A week away from the sports festival Sugawara’s performance only got worse.

Ukai needed every player on the team in top condition. That included the benchwarmers. But he needed Sugawara, especially, to be at the top of his game. Otherwise they couldn't take advantage of two-setter setups or use Sugawara’s abilities to change the flow of the game in a tight spot.

It’s not that Sugawara didn’t understand what to do. It was clear that he saw where the ball was going and calibrated the position of his hands accordingly. Except everything was all wrong. How could he explain it? It was like Sugawara had obtained incorrect information in that moment and moved into position. Only to realise he wasn’t in the correct position mere seconds before the ball either shot past him or hit him square in the face. Ukai could see Sugawara was clearly aware of that by the surprise and frustration that darkened his features.

Three years of experience wasn’t something to scoff at and Sugawara was damn good at what he did. Until recently.

Initially Ukai thought it was just exhaustion induced clumsiness. He would have given Sugawara a good scolding, but as expected the captain beat him to the punch.

The first time he noticed something fishy going on was the first day he had the kids practising their baton passes for the sports festival.

Sugawara was picking up some balls from the cart. He was taking a while to do it, which didn't surprise Ukai since Sugawara was clumsy these days. Then Yamaguchi said something that sounded alarms in his head, “Is Sugawara-san ok?”

_Is Sugawara-san ok?_

Clumsiness wasn’t something people worried about. But that one sentence, Ukai was sure, led to the missing link.

It was then that Sugawara had his full attention. He was trying to walk away but couldn’t. Almost like his feet were sealed in concrete. It was bizarre. What worried Ukai even more was how confused Sugawara looked. If Ukai guessed correctly, Sugawara didn't know why his feet wouldn’t move either.

Ukai felt like he was trying to grasp a feather drifting in the air. The more he tried the further away the resulting air current propelled the feather. He was on the cusp of figuring it out. Ukai gritted his teeth in frustration. “Tch!”

“Is something wrong?” Takeda asked. His eyes briefly trailed over to Sugawara, who just got hit in the face again.

Looked like the teacher noticed too.

Ukai sighed heavily, “I need a smoke. Maybe a drink too.”

“Not in front of minors, Ukai-kun.” chided Takeda.

Ukai blew the whistle, “We're taking a fifteen minute break!”

All the squeaking and slamming came to a stop to be replaced with comfortable chatter. Takeda nodded to him kindly and Ukai took his chance to head out for a smoke.

He lit up his cigarette, cupping his hand around the flame to shield it from an errant breeze. He breathed in deeply. With his eyes closed he imagined all of his worries gathered up in his chest. Then slowly, he exhaled. All those stressful things turned into pale smoke billowing out of his mouth. Opening his eyes he watched the little cloud he made twirl up and disperse in the air before him.

Poof! Just like that he was feeling better already. A little more clear headed.

The gym doors clattered open and Sugawara’s head popped out, “Coach, do you have a moment?”

“Sure, kid.” Ukai nodded.

Sugawara stepped out of the gym and stood opposite him. He seemed to be mentally preparing himself. “I know I have been making too many mistakes to deserve a place on the team.”

Ukai winced at the choice of words.

Sugawara raised his eyes to meet Ukai’s, “So if it would benefit the team, I wouldn't be opposed to leaving.”

The look in Sugawara’s eye was the same as that time he asked Ukai to make Kageyama the official setter without hesitation. It was strong and unyielding.

He took a drag on his cigarette. Sugawara was an amazing kid.

“This level of performance isn't like you. You're a talented setter.” He gave Sugawara a hearty slap on the back. “If we can figure out what changed we can fix the problem. I'd rather have you on the team than not, Sugawara.”

“I’ll sort it out,” answered Sugawara. “Thank you, coach.”

With that Sugawara began making his way back inside.

“Sugawara!” Ukai called out to him before he stepped through the door. He had to let Sugawara know, “You deserve to be here.”

Sugawara’s eyes were wide with surprise before they teared up a little, “Yes!”

When Ukai got home he thought about Sugawara. How could he guide Sugawara out of this rough patch?

He replayed Sugawara’s progress from the beginning straight to his recent matches like a reel of film, images unspooling into his mind’s eye. The boy was good to begin with. More than good, actually. A player who turns textbook plays into a formidable weapon. That's Sugawara. Over time he got creative, adding new moves that were a change to his reliable plays.

Then he fell.

His performance kept slipping over the past month or so for no apparent reason. Everything else was constant. He had the drive and put in the practice to match.

The mistakes he was making were rookie mistakes that could be fixed with nothing but practice. The thing was, Sugawara wasn’t a beginner and he practised as much as the rest of the team. Which was a lot.

He was at wit's end on how he could help Sugawara. He needed someone with more experience for a second opinion.

Grabbing a notepad and a pen he dialled in the numbers for his grandfather. A couple of rings later his gruff voice greeted Ukai, “Hello?”

“Hey old man, it's Keishin.”

Ukai Sr. cackled, the sound tinny in the receiver. “What kind of headache are the kids giving you this time?”

He sounded well, thought Ukai with a chuckle. Always so energised and ready to take on whatever the world threw at him. No hospital could make him stay put for long.

Ukai explained Sugawara’s situation. The unexpected drop in performance. Then his mind wandered to the scene where Sugawara struggled with his feet and the frequent clumsiness.

”For some reason it looked like he couldn’t move his feet.”

“Oh?”

“Yea, like his feet were super glued to the ground.”

His grandfather breathed in sharply, “Keishin, has the boy been tripping over a lot? Does he throw his arms out when he does?”

Tapping the pen against his notepad Ukai replied automatically, “He's been clumsy lately. I've never seen him fall, but from what I've heard he has been tripping over things. Don't know about the arms though. Why?”

Interference crackled through the receiver in the silence that followed. When Ukai Sr. spoke again he sounded as old as he looked, “I’ve only seen something like that once before.”

His pen stilled mid-tap. This wasn’t going to be a pleasant story. Dread coiled up in his chest. A smoke would be nice right now, but this is more important. Leaning forward on his arm his skin turned to goosebumps, “Tell me everything.”

+

Ukai wasn’t sure whether he was impressed or mad. The day of the sports festival finally came. They were doing great. Kageyama shot through like a wild animal, but when he closed in on Hinata...He’d just say this: There was a lot of yelling for two first years spurred on by instinct to race each other. Ukai often wondered how someone as small as Hinata could make so much noise. Kids these days have endless energy. Or maybe he was getting old.

Needless to say the volleyball club was immediately disqualified.

Ukai heard a loud thud a short distance away from him. Looked like someone fell. He turned his attention back to Kageyama and Hinata. They were squabbling over which one of them crossed the finish line first.

“Saying they’re bad news doesn’t do them justice.You alright, Sugawara?”

Ukai’s head whipped back to the guy from the soccer club. Sure enough, Sugawara’s head full of grey hair popped up beside the other boy.

“Took the words right out of my mouth.” Sugawara brushed off dirt from his clothes like nothing had happened. He had a few scrapes here and there.

Ukai’s gaze lingered on Sugawara for a while. His grandfather's words kept ringing in his head, “ _It happened to the Small Giant._ ”

Coincidentally he found someone else staring at Sugawara as well. It was their ace: Azumane.

Azumane looked like he was going to be sick. For a moment their eyes met and Ukai knew they were both thinking the same thing.

He briskly made his way to Azumane, “When he fell,” Ukai spoke urgently in a low, quiet voice, “Did he throw his arms out to break the fall?”

The ace was pale as a sheet. He swallowed away the silence clogging his throat. Voice tight, he replied, “No.”

Ukai nodded and patted him on the back. He didn’t know why he was comforting Azumane when nothing was confirmed yet.

He went up to Sugawara and drew him aside from his classmates. “Sugawara, I’m taking you to the hospital right now.”

First there was surprise. Then confusion and embarrassment was written all over his face.

“Do you understand?” Ukai asked firmly.

“Yes, coach.” Sugawara accepted sullenly, toeing at the dirt.

Ukai knew what he was thinking. It's just a few scratches here and there. Nothing to warrant the drama of a trip to the hospital.

_“The Small Giant fell.”_

He wouldn't let Sugawara become another Small Giant. Not in that way. Though deep down he knew he wouldn't be able to do much if Sugawara was unlucky enough to have _that_.

He had Sugawara sit in the back of his car. He contacted Sugawara’s parents on the way to the hospital. They agreed to meet up with him as they made their way there separately.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Ukai was really fun =D Once again, it was my first go at writing another character. So I was kind of nervous. 
> 
> The scene for the sports festival and a bit of dialogue from the soccer guy was from the extra chapter V^^V
> 
> Hope you guys liked this update. Personally, I can't wait for Nerd to write the next chapter so we can hit that delicious angst. BAHAHAHAHA~


	6. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which, there is a diagnosis.

Sugawara Risa was restless as she watched her afternoon drama on NHK. "Watched" being said loosely. To be more accurate, it was more like the drama was watching her. Watching her sit on her couch beside her son's dog with a cup of tea in her hands feeling truly restless. Koushi was at school and Hiro was gone again for work in Sendai, giving the Sugawara matriarch some occasionally much needed alone time. Which in this case, wasn't making her feel any less restless than she had been for the past month.

 

Something was wrong with Koushi.

 

That much was evident. But if someone were to ask her to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with him aside from his recent onslaught of clumsiness, Risa would be at a loss. All she knew was that her son was giving her an ulcer; which was rare for her to say.

 

Koushi had never given her much trouble growing up. As her first and only child, raising Koushi was a living testament to easy parenting. A few bumps in the road, but nothing that could ever label him a problem child. Yet this dilemma, the only suitable word she could come up with, was much more complicated than that of Koushi going through his rebellious phase. In fact, Koushi going through a rebellious phase was actually a bit more preferable.

 

Koushi was just falling.

 

And tripping.

 

Falling and tripping, tripping and falling.

 

And losing weight-- though weight loss was more recent of the recurring factors of her 'Koushi Dilemma'.

 

He was constantly dropping his food. Or rather, using chopsticks had become increasingly difficult for him. Risa had tried making cutting his meal portions into bigger ones, but it seemed that even bigger pieces of food made no change in the habit.

 

What was the worst was that Risa seemed to be the only one to care.

 

_"Something's wrong with Koushi." Risa had told her husband the night they had rice and ganmo for dinner after making sure their son had fallen asleep._

 

_Hiro peered over at her over his book, an eyebrow raised. "This again?" He sounded bemused. "Risa, the boy's right, clumsiness isn't a disease. If it was we'd have a whole lot of more sick people in the world." His attempt to lighten the mood had no effect._

 

_Risa pursed her lips as she tried to form complete sentences. "It's not just clumsiness. It's..." Risa's fingers twiddled. "It's something else." It was a lame answer, but it was the best she could come up with. "Koushi has never been clumsy. Not like this." That was something she knew her son had always taken pride in; something about his skills as a setter relying heavily on it. "There's being clumsy and... this."_

 

_"Maybe you're just overthinking it."_

 

They talked for a few more minutes, but the conversation had ended on an unresolved note. Risa's grip on her cup tightened. It wasn't as if she thought that Hiro was wrong. She just might have been worrying too much, looking far too into the little details. But she knew her son. She'd been around the longest to know the differences. At least, that was how she felt.

 

"Wagh! Damn it!"

 

Risa's mind snapped back into the present as her attention was brought back to whatever was going  on on the TV screen. The rehab patient, Noboru, had fallen on the floor again.

 

Risa blanched. Falling reminded her of Koushi.

 

She brought her cup back to her lips and sighed when she realized there was no more drink in it. "I'm beginning to lose my touch, aren't I Mari?" Hearing her name being called, Mari perked her head up, ears erect. The two of them had become a lot more acquainted over the past month, walking the dog becoming more of her job. Mari was a good dog, but she was also an energetic dog who was known to tug on her leash. Koushi didn’t seem to have the balance to walk her properly anymore. "Do you think I'm worrying too much?"

 

 _If only dogs could talk._ Risa thought wirely. "I'm going to make myself another cup of tea."

 

_Ring!_

 

Or at least she was if her phone hadn't began to ring.

 

Risa's eyes narrowed as she saw a caller ID she didn't recognize. It had better not have been another telemarketer. (Telemarketers had always gave her a rough time. Though it was more like it gave the two boys in her life a rough time. Koushi had gotten his indecisiveness from his father.)  "Hello?" Risa began stiffly. "Who is this?"

 

"Is this Sugawara Risa?" It was a man's voice.

 

"Yes." Came the brusque reply. "Who is this?" She repeated.

 

"This is, um, this Ukai Keishin, ma'am." The man, _Ukai_ , said. "I'm your son's volleyball coach."

 

"Oh." Risa felt a little embarrassed but relieved. She knew him. He seemed like a delinquent what with his dyed hair, but from what her son had told her he was a fairly decent man. "I'm sorry for my behaviour. May I ask why you are calling?"

 

Ukai took a moment to respond. "It's about your son." Risa felt her stomach drop. "Do you think you could meet me here at the Torono University Hospital?

 

"Hospital? What's wrong? Where's Koushi?!"

 

"He's in the car with me, Sugawara-san." Ukai answered quickly.

 

"Is he okay?"

 

"He... well, in loose terms..." Ukai fumbled and Risa could hear the sound of wind blowing by on the other end of the line. "It's... I believe there's something wrong with your son."

 

"Put Koushi on the phone." Risa didn't want to hear another word until she heard her son's voice.

 

"Mom?"

 

Risa sighed in relief. At least he sounded okay. But that didn't change the fact that he was going to the hospital. And that didn't change the fact that she already knew that there was something very wrong with her son. "Oh thank goodness, Koushi are you alright? What happened?"

 

Koushi sounded exasperated. "It was nothing, Mom, I swear I just fell!"

 

He fell.

 

Risa could hear his voice, but couldn't place words to them. "Koushi," her voice was startlingly quiet even to herself. "please put your coach back on the phone please." There was a sigh along with a comment on how it was just a small fall, but surely enough Koushi had passed the phone back to his coach's hand. "This has been going on at practice too, hasn't it?"

 

"Yes."

 

Risa set her cup on the table, turned off the TV, and stood up-- already making a beeline for her purse and car keys. "I'm on my way."

 

****

 

"Koushi!" Risa exclaimed when she saw her son sitting in the lobby of the Torono University Hospital, also the biggest hospital in all of Torono Town. She rushed over and grabbed his arms, giving them a tight squeeze. More for her own reassurance. His body had a few scrapes this time, dirt specks flecking his shirt. "Were you outside?"

 

"Yes." He sounded tired. "It was the sports festival."

 

"Where's your coach?"

 

"Right here, ma'am."

 

Risa bowed her head respectively as she turned to face the younger man. "Thank you for bringing my son here." She truly meant it so she said it again. "Thank you."

 

The younger man looked a little flustered, "It's really no problem, ma'am."

 

"I really don't think I need to be here." Koushi protested. "I only fell."

 

"I told you if your clumsiness didn't clear up I was going to arrange for you to have a check up." Risa countered. "And if your coach brought you here personally, I'm sure there was a reason. So don't give me any of your protesting, young man." Koushi gave an exaggerated sigh, but he fell silent, probably realizing the futility of protesting further.

 

Ukai patted him on the shoulder, "It'll be over before you know it."

 

"I'm going to get us signed in." Risa said at last, pulling out her son's papers and insurance card. "So just wait." That was all they could do; but Risa would rather wait for an unknown amount of time than worry about any events that could happen to her son when he wasn't in her sight. "Excuse, Sir." Risa spoke up, getting the attention of the young man behind the desk. "I would like to arrange for my son to have a check up."

 

"Would that be for today?"

 

"Yes, please."

 

The paperwork hadn't taken that long to finish, and sure enough after a half hour had passed Koushi's name had been called as the next patient to be seen. The doctor had merely glanced at him before his sharp gaze directed back to the mother. "No offense ma'am, but there's barely a scratch on him. What is there to evaluate?" He nearly sounded peeved. Risa glanced and wasn't surprised to see the look of satisfaction on Koushi's face. "These are scrapes that could have been taking care of at school with some soap and water."

 

Risa inhaled deeply through her nostrils, her patience ebbing away. "Koushi?" She tilted her head slightly. "Could you go sit back down again?"

 

"What?" Her soon looked back and forth between her, the doctor, and his coach; surprised.

 

"Just... please wait in your chair." Risa urged. Her tone didn't match her inner turmoil. Being calm and collected had been a blessing and curse from her side of the family.

 

Koushi looked irritated but went to sit back down in his seat again, legs crossed. Risa felt a pang of guilt. She would have been just as annoyed if she were in his shoes, only receiving vague hints from those surrounding her. "So is there no need for a checkup then?" The doctor asked crossly. He was crude, but Risa supposed it had been earned over time from the amount of wrinkles on his face.

 

"No, there is." Risa bowed her head. "I know it seems miniscule, but please doctor we need to talk to you. Only five minutes of your time. It's important." Her pitch rose towards the end of her sentence and Risa closed her hand into a tight fist. "There's something wrong with my son."

 

The doctor was quiet for a moment before he finally relented with a nod of his head. "Are you bringing the boy?" He gestured back to the lobby where Koushi was staring at them intently.

 

"... Not yet."

 

"Very well." Came the quick reply. "You'll be called in when I'm done discussing a few things with your parents." He raised his voice.

 

This time Ukai looked very flustered. "Oh, I'm not his father." He corrected quickly, a blush on his face. "I'm, I'm the kid's volleyball coach."

 

"You... aren't? Then may I ask why you're here then?" The doctor deadpanned.

 

"He was the one who brought my son here in the first place." Risa came to the flustered twenty something year old's defense. "Since he sees my son here all the time while at school, he's able to see anything I don't notice. That's why I would like him to be here for today. My husband is on a business trip in Sendai. That's why he isn't here today."

 

"Well, whatever. Let's get a move on."

 

The man introduced himself as Mizubuchi as they walked to his office, the smell of disinfectant and sterilization in the air. Hiro hated hospitals. He often told Risa it was where people went to get sick. He probably wouldn't like the particular doctor she had received this particular day either. And Hiro liked everybody. "Take a seat." Mizubuchi ordered.

 

Risa sat reluctantly, purse in her lap. "Thank you for agreeing to talk with us."

 

"Don't mention it." The doctor grabbed a clipboard with a few blank papers on them, pulling a pen from out behind his ear. "So tell me Sugawara-san, Coach-kun, what seems to be the issue?" He sounded disinterested.

 

"Well--" "You see--"

 

Ukai and Risa's eyes met briefly before Ukai's hand gestured for her to continue talking and Risa nodded gratefully. "Well you see... my son has been falling a lot as of late." She started. "It could even be on a surface where you'd expect falling to take minimum and yet he'll still fall or he'll stagger when he walks. He's, he's been uncoordinated." Risa preferred the sound of "uncoordinated" to "falling". "He'll drop things sometimes or if I ask him to give me something it might swing out of his hands like he never had a good grip on it in the first place.

 

Or... I'll see him reaching for something and he'll stop just short of it or go over it, but his hand is closed in a way that would make you think he was holding onto something." Risa could vividly remember her son trying to grab his school bag, laughing offhandedly as he was heading out the house. "And recently he's been having trouble using his chopsticks."

 

"Trouble?" Mizubuchi spoke at last.

 

Risa nodded, flexing a hand awkwardly trying to reenact the motions her son had performed. "Like he's learning how to use them. He'll re-adjust his fingers and renew his grip often. And he'll drop his food. Even if it's something big like a piece of meat or grilled pumpkin, he'll end up dropping it." Risa fell silent as Mizubuchi's pencil scribbled on the board in his hand, hands clasping together tightly. His face was like a stone, revealing nothing.

 

“Er, Doctor?" Mizubuchi rose a brow, lifting his head and Ukai's direction. "Normally when a person falls... they shoot their arms out, right?" Ukai bit at his lips. "Like if someone were about to fall forward on their face, it's just instinct for your hands to come flying out to keep you from falling on your face?"

 

Mizubuchi nodded. "Yes," the old man nodded. "Simply put that's correct. More often than not, that's always the case. Within the first few seconds of falling, the brain sends out a signal for your arms to be at the ready by the time you almost reach the ground. It's a defensive mechanism." When he fell silent for longer than two seconds, Ukai continued talking.

 

"It's just the reason I brought him was because, he didn't." Risa had already known where the conversation was going the moment Ukai had brought it up and yet surprise and dread still shot through her body. "I even checked his hands and there wasn't a spot on them, like he never even made the attempt to protect himself. He just fell on his face." Ukai continued on, "Then last week when he was going to the ball cart he just stopped walking for a couple minutes. It was like he couldn't move his feet, they were stuck like he was still in the middle of walking. And he's also done things Sugawara-san has mentioned in practice, he'll misjudge distances on where the ball is going or how far away his hands are from each other." His face contorted into a look of displeasure. "My grandfather thinks, he thinks he might have spino... spinocerebellar ataxia."

 

Mizubuchi's head shot up, eyes narrowed. "Your grandfather makes a bold claim."

 

Ukai averted his gaze. "One of his students had it." The blond man answered quietly.

 

Risa's head snapped back and forth between the two men she could have sworn she heard bones cracking. "What's spino," she curled her lips back as if she tasted something horrible. "What's ataxia?"

 

She didn't receive an answer from either of the men in her company. Instead, Mizubuchi picked up the phone on his desk, briskly pounding in the digits. "Hello? This is Mizubuchi. Send me someone over from the Neurology Department."

 

+++++

 

"What is ataxia?"

 

That was the first thing out of Risa's mouth when the neurologist walked into the room. Mizubuchi had stepped out several minutes prior, and Ukai had remained as silent as ever. The unanswered question still hanging in the air like a lingering bad smell.

 

The neurologist looked startled. It was another man, though considerably younger than Mizubuchi’s burly self. Roughly around thirty if Risa had to guess. He had a clipboard in one hand, and in the other was a large manila folder. "Er, hello." He nodded at the two of them before taking a seat, placing his clipboard on the desk beside him. "My name is Tasaki Takumi."

 

Risa could feel Ukai's eyes on her as he introduced himself and Risa's lips thinned into a thin line. "Sugawara." It took a lot of willpower to not start swearing.

 

Tasaki gave a polite smile. "We'll go ahead and dive right in then." He looked at Risa as if searching for approval. "If your son has this, then it'd be best if we started right away." He took a deep breath then stood up. Nimbly, his fingers made quick work of opening the folder and revealed several MRI scans, sticking them onto the wall. They were scans of a person's brain. Tasaki sat back down again. "Spinocerebellar ataxia," his gaze wandered to Risa again. "is a genetic degenerative disease."

 

Risa blinked once.

 

Twice.

 

Thrice.

 

Her lips became a thin line. "A degenerative... disease?"

 

Tasaki made a sound of confirmation while nodding his head. "It has several names. Spinocerebellar atrophy, spinocerebellar degeneration, but it is most commonly referred to as the first, SCA." Risa could feel herself nodding slowly at what the man was saying, not completely sure if she could even understand what was coming out of his mouth. "This is a rare, hereditary disease." He added. "But that being said, there are at least 60 types that we in the medical field are aware of. However, whenever there is a patient who is suspect to be afflicted, it is dire that we rule out any other disease or forms of ataxia."

 

Is there any reason that the two of you would have to suspect that this particular affliction is what your son has?" It was clear that the young doctor was choosing his wording carefully.

 

"I... my grandfather," Ukai crossed his arms, one of his fingers twitching. "he's retired now but he used to be a volleyball coach. Took the team right up to Nationals and even won." There was a look of pride on his face, but it soon dissipated. "He told me that one of his students had it. SCA...1, I think. He said that," Ukai paused, visually recollecting his thoughts. "That he fell. Was the one who told me to look for whether or not Koushi...kun would throw his arms out whenever he fell. His description of those events were what lead me to consider that this student could have... that."

 

"I'm sorry." Risa finally spoke. Her voice was too low; too quiet. "This disease... it's something that affects the brain, right?" Cinnamon eyes looked up the pictures on the wall. "How does that affect the body?" _How does that affect Koushi?_

 

A few heartbeats passed before Tasaki stood up, a red marker in his hand. "Sugawara-san, Ukai-san, the nervous system is divided into two different parts: there's the central and then the peripheral nervous system." Tasaki began. "The central nervous system consists of the brain, the diencephalon, the cerebellum, the brainstem, and then the spinal cord. And it's the spinal cord, the brainstem, and the cerebellum that allow the body to make smooth and coordinated movements." Tasaki uncapped his marker.

 

"The scan on the left," he drew a large 'one' on the corner. "is a picture of an unafflicted person's brain and the one to the right," which he drew a large 'two' on. "is a scan of someone with SCA. and if we compare the two here we'll find that the cerebellum on the second scan has shrunken in size." He circled both cerebellums, a finger tracing over the open spaces that encased the second. "For some reason, it's shrinking and the nerve cells in the cerebellum are slowly degenerating, leaving dead cells."

 

"Dead... cells?" Risa repeated.

 

Tasaki nodded. "There won't be any noticeable symptoms to begin with," Tasaki turned to face the two of them. "but a patient with this disease will start to walk unstably and the likelihood of them falling will begin to increase. They will have difficulties in positioning themselves and other objects. They'll be unable to write properly or speak properly, and the likelihood of them choking on foods and drinks increase." His face grew solemn as he continued to speak. "Even though the progress of the disease is slow, it will get worse day by day. Until it all eventually escalates to where that person will no longer be able to stand, eat, or even talk." He paused. "The entire time however, the patient will retain their full mental capacity. So despite the infantile state of their bodies, they know exactly what is going on with them." Tasaki licked his lips. "This, is a very cruel disease."

 

"Is it fatal?" The question slipped out of Risa's mouth before she could truly begin developing thoughts, her mind a near blank canvas. But that was the one speck that was on it. "Is this a disease that's fatal?"

 

"...." A long sigh escaped Tasaki's throat. "More often than not," his eyes were clear. "this is a disease that ends fatally."

 

Risa didn't speak. Her lips felt frozen.

 

"But, my grandfather said the boy he knew that had this ended up in a wheelchair!" She could hear Ukai exclaiming.

 

"To be honest, it mostly depends on the individual and type of SCA they have." Tasaki replied. "And in most cases with SCA1, the patient can live 30 years or even a full lifespan post-diagnosis! I've often saw that SCA1 patients do typically end up in a wheelchair and on disability when I was in the U.S. where an estimated 150,000 people are diagnosed with spinocerebellar ataxia. So it is possible for their to be patients who live longer than most."

 

But they still ultimately die.

 

Risa took a deep breath. "So you mean to tell me that if, if my son has this." Another breath. "He is going to die?"

 

"... There's always a chance. But that itself is mostly determined on the kind of SCA he has, if he has it, and how quickly it develops." The room fell silent again.

 

"Is there a cure?"

 

"... There is no known cure or treatment that we know of. The most we could do to help is to give a patient medicine to help with some of the symptoms and rehabilitation. The rehab wouldn't do much, but it helps to keep their limbs functioning for as long as they can move them. It's a long, difficult road."  Tasaki took the brain scans down and took a seat in his chair.

 

"Doctor... you said this was hereditary?"

 

"That is correct."

 

"So you mean to say that..." Risa licked her lips this time. "If Koushi were to have this... it would be because of me or my husband?"

 

"Yes. We look to both parents and their family histories when trying to diagnose a potential SCA patient." Tasaki answered. "Even if the parent themselves have never experienced any of the aforementioned symptoms, it can be passed onto their children. It's a fifty-fifty chance, and more often than not, parents won't even _know_ they carry the gene for it until their children begin showcasing symptoms." Tasaki paused to breathe. "That being said, Sugawara-san, would you like your son to be tested?"

 

Risa nodded shakily. "Please... Please don't tell him anything yet."

 

Both Tasaki and Ukai looked at the woman in surprise. "I don't want him to know yet." She pursed her lips, breathed deeply, then continued to speak. "Koushi is... he's already been worrying about a lot of things. I don't want to add another thing to that list."

 

Ukai opened his mouth, then it closed it. "With all due respect Sugawara-san." Tasaki said softly. "Waiting to tell him for too long can be dangerous. Especially if he has it. Time is something he might not have on his side; don't lull him into a false sense of security and allow him to squander it. I'll go get him from the lobby and we can get started."

 

The door creaked slowly behind the doctor after he finally left the room, but never fully closed. "I don't want Koushi to participate in any club activities this week." Risa's voice was strained, her bangs keeping her eyes hidden as she stared at her hands. "Or until we figure out what's wrong with him." She couldn't look the man in the eye.

 

Ukai was silent, but she eventually heard the 'okay'. "I'm going to leave now."

 

Risa gave little indication that she was even paying attention.

 

"I'm so sorry."

* * *

 

Risa sat in the car for a long time, unsure of the time that had passed since she had parked in her driveway. It was silent, Koushi sitting in the passenger seat beside her. Neither of them had made a move to unbuckle their seat belts and entire the house.

 

Whether or not the tests went smoothly, Risa had her thoughts, and they weren't good ones. Whether or not her son was diagnosed with SCA, Risa didn't know.

 

Tasaki the doctor didn't waste any moment in delivering out the tests that would determine her son's condition. He asked him questions-- when did he first start feeling like he couldn't walk stably? _("About... a month ago. A little over a month ago.")_ When did falling start becoming a regularity in his life? _("About a month ago too.")_ Was it difficult to speak sometimes? _("Not really, I think.")_ Did he ever experience any difficulties eating? _("It can be hard for me to hold onto the food with my chopsticks.")_ Did ever choke when he was eating or drinking? _("Sometimes, I find it hard to swallow my food.")_

 

Then he made Koushi walk in a straight line, or attempt to. Then Koushi had to try to point to a dot and back to his nose at a fast pace, the dot occasionally moving to a new spot. He always missed.

 

Then Koushi had to take a CAT scan and Tasaki had drawn a blood sample for DNA from the both of them.

 

 _"I'll need a sample from your husband as well as you."_ Tasaki had told her. _"In some cases of SCA it is the paternal parent that is the distributor between the parents. I'll contact you in a few days with the results, so please try to bring your husband back to the hospital by then if your results come back negative. And remember what I said; there might not be time."_

 

Risa's hands clenched around the car's steering wheel so hard her knuckles began to pale. Hiro would be devastated if that were the case. She looked at the small bandage wrapped around her arm.

 

"Mom?"

 

Risa tried to put on her best smile. "Yes, baby?"

 

Koushi's expression was downcast. "There's something wrong with me, isn't there?"

 

Risa took off her seatbelt and hugged her son tightly. "Of course not, you silly goose! It's just a little motor trouble-- some teenagers go through it!" She didn't know who she was trying to reassure more, her fingers combing through his hair. " _You_ are perfect. The most beautiful boy in the whole world. Don't you ever forget that, Koushi."

 

"M-mom!" Her son pulled away, clearly embarrassed. "I'm not five anymore."

 

It almost felt like yesterday Koushi was five. Eyes wide in amazement as he stared up at the supposed millions of fireflies she and Hiro had taken him to see one summer. "You grew up too fast." She sniffed and wanted to scold herself for tearing up. "Where'd my little boy go?"

 

Koushi's eyes softened, "Mom don't cry." He looked unsure of what to do. "I'm still here."

 

 _That's right._ Risa found herself nodding and she wiped her eyes. _You're still here._ "I'm going to make you your favourite mapo tofu tonight. Something with spoons!"

 

"Spoons?"

 

"Spoons." Risa reaffirmed. "I'll have to go to the store to buy the ingredients. Do you think you can run the house until then?"

 

Koushi shot his mother a wide smile, "So does that mean I can't throw any wild parties with alcohol and god knows what else with my friends?"

 

"I'll ground you forever if you do."

 

The two of them laughed heartily. "Go on and watch TV or something. No porn, either."

 

" **_Mom!_ ** " Koushi exclaimed, mouth ajar in shock. "That is _inappropriate_ for moms to say!"

 

"Oh I'm sure you've watched it behind my back _sometimes_ , honey."

 

"Ugh!" With that her son hopped out the car.

 

"Oh, and Koushi." Risa's eyes were stern. "Don't forget to your coach and teammates what I told you. Until your motors begin to function properly you will be going to rehab instead of practice. And don't forget to take the medicine the doctor gave you."

 

Koushi opened his mouth to say something, eyes flashing, but then he closed his lips. “Fine.” He grumbled before shutting the door.

 

**[;';]**

 

"You need to come back to Torono."

 

It was nearly one o'clock in the morning when Risa finally called her husband. She was sitting in the back seat of their car, tossing and turning to find some kind of comfortable position to lay in. She’d been sitting there for an hour after Koushi finally went to sleep.

 

It took a few long rings, but eventually Hiro answered the phone, his voice groggy with sleep. "Risa? What? The trains stopped running ages ago." He grumbled into the receiver. "What's wrong?"

 

Risa didn't say anything right away.

 

“Risa?”

 

“Hiro,” Risa sat up again, pulling her knees into her chest. “Do you remember how happy we were when Koushi was born?”

 

Koushi had always been considered Hiro and Risa’s little blessing. He was planned-- though the timespan in which it took for him to arrive was not.

 

It took Risa a long time to become pregnant, but even then it had been a hard earned victory to keep that way. It was a rough pregnancy, Risa felt sickly often and could barely keep anything down aside from a few things that weren’t really considered nutritious for a pregnant woman to consume like coffee. There were also a few scares with the umbilical cord.

 

But against all odds (and trust when Risa felt like every odd was against them), on June 13th, 1996, Risa gave birth to healthy baby boy.

 

“‘Course I remember.” Hiro grumbled, but he sounded cheerful despite his tiredness. “He still makes me happy. Our son’s a champ.”

 

“He’s so grown up now.” Risa felt a little teary-eyed. Koushi was a fast learner and dependable. A mischievous old soul in a young body, and so kind. It might have been her bias as a mother, but Risa had always felt that her son would be somebody special. “It’s like he doesn’t need me anymore.”

 

Her husband chuckled. “Of course he does, Risa. He’s just a Sugawara man. We’d be lost without our women. The grown up part is just a gift.” And now one of the two of them might have given their son a gift of a fucked up life. “But Risa, did you really just call me at…. 1:15 in the morning to talk about Koushi? Cuz if you did, I don’t mind. Appreciate it more though if you called when I was wide awake.”

 

Risa almost laughed. Hiro was the most oblivious person she knew, hardly ever catching onto hints from anyone. But he could be very perceptive when he wanted to be. “Why do I need to come home?”

 

“Something’s…” _Something’s wrong with Koushi._ “Something _might_ be wrong with Koushi.”

 

“What? What’s wrong?” Hiro’s tone became urgent.

 

“I took Koushi for a check up and... And they think their might be something really bad happening to him.” Her grip on her phone tightened.

 

“Is this about the falling?” Hiro snapped. “Koushi is fine!”

 

“It’s _not_ just about the falling, Hiroshi!” Risa snapped back. “Can’t you see that?! There’s something not right going on with him! They want… The doctor wants a DNA sample from you as soon as possible. You need to come back.”

 

“How do _you_ know that there’s something wrong with him.” Hiro’s voice cracked and Risa felt her heart break.

 

“I don’t know what else to think.”

 

There was silence and Risa set her back against the car door this time. “I don’t know what else to do.” _I want to believe. I want to believe that it’s just motor troubles and that Koushi is just fine. I really want to!_

 

Finally, Hiro said something. “My boss said I can leave in three days.”

 

“Three?!”

 

“It’s a very important deal, honey.” Hiro tried to appease. “He said if it closes faster than expected, he’ll let me go before then. So just three days.”

 

Let me talk to your boss, Risa nearly said. “Okay. Fine.” Risa bit her tongue. “Three days.”

 

And three days it ultimately took, much to Risa’s frustration.

 

Three days of watching Koushi in rehab and having to prevent herself from lashing out when it looked as if he was being pushed too hard.

 

Koushi was in the lobby, pulled out of class early much to Risa’s dismay. Hiro was back in Torono as the two of them waited for Tasaki to appear. There was no time for breaks and letting Hiro get into comfier clothing.

 

There was no time for denial.

 

They just needed an answer and the quicker they got one the better.

 

“Doctor.” Risa was relieved when the door creaked to show the face of the young neurologist. His arms held a few files and a folder.

 

“Mrs. Sugawara.” He nodded to her, then he nodded to Hiro. “Mr. Sugawara.”

 

“I would have been back faster.” Hiro bowed. “But work was refusing to let go of its iron grip on me so I could get back to my wife.” Hiro chuckled a little. “I’m ready for the shot.”

 

“There… there actually is no need.” Tasaki averted his eyes briefly before looking back at the two of them.

 

Risa blinked. “What do you mean?” Her hands twisted into fists. “Did the results come back negative? Koushi’s results that is?”

 

Hiro perked up. “So then he’s okay?”

 

Tasaki sat down. “Mrs. Sugawara, do you mind if I ask you a question?”

 

“Wait, what about Kou--”

 

“Hiro.” Risa placed a hand atop her husband’s and Hiro begrudgingly fell silent. Risa gave him a small smile before looking back at Tasaki. “Yes?”

 

“... have you ever, had a relative that had ataxia?”

 

Risa blinked again. “Me?”

 

Tasaki nodded, “Anything of any kind. Even if it was something miniscule? Something that was out of place?”

 

“...” Risa had been wondering about that lately. “I…  don’t think so.”

 

“Nobody at all?”

 

“.......” Risa pursed her lips. “I remember… when I was seven. It was at a family reunion.” The memory was very fuzzy. “I remember that there was one cousin that all of us little kids avoided because we thought he was scary. He was in a wheelchair...  I don’t remember if we talked to him, but I remember that he moved funny. And his mother had to feed him.” She remembered his mouth being wiped constantly. “But, that doesn’t mean he necessarily had SCA, right?”

 

“That’s true.”

 

“... Why do you ask.”

 

This silence was a long one.

 

“Doctor?”

 

Tasaki sighed. “I... “ He sighed again, pursing his lips.

 

“Koushi’s-- his results came back negative right?” Hiro asked, his voice shrill.

 

“I’m sorry.” Came the next reply. “Mrs. Sugawara, he got it from you.”

 

Risa’s mind went blank.

 

“What?” Risa almost didn’t know whose voice that was, she could barely hear herself. “ _What?_ ” She repeated.

 

Tasaki’s eyes were sympathetic. “To be honest when we were doing the test, we almost didn’t consider using your DNA. Like I told you, in some cases, it’s usually the paternal parent we look to in seeing whether or not a child has SCA. But, since what we were testing for is SCA, we also knew it would be stupid not to look at your DNA as well.” Tasaki paused. “It’s too much of a risk to be medically inaccurate, even for a rare disease. And to be honest, we still plan to check your husband as well just to make sure it really is you that your son got it from, but we are certain.

 

Your son has SCA3.”

 

Risa felt like the world broke.

 

* * *

 

 

Suga laid against his mattress and stared up at the ceiling. Mari was curled up tightly against his side, her tongue licking his arm a few times before rubbing her head against it. But he barely registered the action he considered a cute habit for his three year black-and-tan shiba inu.

 

He wasn’t sure what to think.

 

He didn’t really know how to react.

 

Not to the licking. But to his doctor’s visit. Not that the reaction would be on time.

 

It had been nearly a week and a half since he had started missing practice, and he had never really gave the team a proper excuse as to why. “I just can’t do it right now. I’ll tell you later.” Suga had said. Not that he really expected for his friends and teammates to really let him off the hook that easily. In fact, there was a key four that definitely didn’t let him off the hook. A pair of rambunctious second years, a scruffy third year, and sturdy team captain to be specific.

 

He hadn’t even told Daichi about his rehabilitation sessions.

 

And this was _Daichi_.

 

Suga pulled his phone over with the arm that wasn’t being used as a pillow by a dog and took a look at the most recent text messages he had received from his best friend.

 

 **Daichi:** when are you coming back to practice?  
**Me:** i’m not sure.  
**Me:** maybe soon.  
**Daichi:** is there something wrong? what aren’t you telling me that’s so bad?  
**Daichi:** are you avoiding me?  
**Me:** no. i’ll just see you on monday okay?

 

Suga sighed and tossed his phone to the edge of his bed. What could he even say?

 

“I’m sorry, but I’m--”

 

_Knock, knock, knock._

 

“Koushi? Are you awake?”

 

It was his mother.

 

“... Yeah, mom.”

 

The door slowly creaked open and Suga pushed down a small surge of annoyance. He wasn’t sure why parents automatically assumed that a response meant to open their child’s door, but at least he wasn’t doing anything that would’ve been awkward to explain. “Hi.” He gave a small wave while Mari bounded off the bed, pawing at his mother’s nightgown excitedly.

 

Risa seemed to pet the dog out of habit. “You should really get some sleep, dear. You have school tomorrow.”

 

Suga chuckled a little. “You sound like you’re my mother.”

 

Risa didn’t laugh back. “What are you going to do about volleyball?” The small smile that lit Suga’s features disappeared immediately and he averted his gaze. “Have you been going back to practice?”

 

“No.” He admitted. “I think I’ve been too nervous, heh. I don’t really know what to tell the team, y’know. I don’t even know if I’m going to tell them.” It was bad, but true. “Asahi’s already been acting like _he_ was the one who spent nine months carrying me instead of you, so I’m going to have to come clean eventually. Or make something up.”

 

“...” Another bad attempt to lighten the mood fell through the drain.

 

“Do you _want_ me to quit?”

 

“I’m so sorry.” Risa said at last.

 

_“SCA3?” Suga looked back from his parents to Dr. Tasaki. “... What’s SCA3?” His mother looked as if she had been punched in the stomach, her lips screwed up tightly, eyes bulging. His father looked lost._

 

_“Koushi,” Dr. Tasaki brought Suga’s attention back to him. “Have you ever heard of any kind of ataxia? Or ataxia in general?”_

 

_“No.” Suga’s brows knit together as he glanced back at his parents._

 

_“Well, spinocerebellar ataxia, or SCA, is a type of ataxia that affects the cerebellum.” Tasaki scooted forward with a clipboard. It had a picture of a scan of somebody’s brain. “This right here is a picture of someone’s brain and this is there cerebellum.” Then he flipped the photo back to reveal a second. “This is yours; and it is considerably shrunken.”_

 

_Suga stared and blinked slowly before taking the board into his own hands to flip back to the first photo, and then back to his. Sure enough in the scan of his cerebellum there was at least an inch of space between it and the rest of his brain._

 

_“Ataxia is a degenerative disease that affects coordination and balance or even speech in the body. Or in the cases of some, all three.” Tasaki continued. “Your diagnosis, type 3 of SCA, happens to affect all three.”_

 

_Suga looked up. “All three?” He repeated quietly._

 

_Tasaki nodded, his eyes shone sympathetically. “You’ve already experienced some of the early symptoms. The recent onslaught of falling and tripping, even the trouble with eating and holding your chopsticks all lead back to it._

 

_But eventually, we believe you will get to a point where you won’t be able to stand, eat, or even talk.”_

 

_“But, but I just got clumsier.” Suga swallowed._

 

_“That’s what a lot of patients think, Koushi.”_

 

_Suga took a shaky breath. “So I’m not going to be able to play volleyball again.” It wasn’t a question._

 

_“No you can.” Tasaki placed a hand on his shoulder. “Though the time you can spend playing may be limited depending on how quickly your degeneration develops.”_

 

_“So I might get placed in a wheelchair faster?”_

  
_Tasaki didn’t reply._

 

“There… there could be other things you could do beside volleyball.” Risa fumbled. Suga gritted his teeth. “I know the doctor said you could play but I just… I don’t want you to--”

 

“To hurt myself,” Suga interrupted. “I know. I can just tell them that, it’s motor problems. Coach Ukai will probably go along with that too, so…” He trailed off.

 

“You aren’t going to tell your friends?”

 

Suga looked at Risa, shrugging his shoulders and eyebrows in unison. “What else could I really tell them? ‘Sorry guys, I can’t play anymore because I don’t know whether or not I’ll actually be able to move when the time comes for me to set’?”

 

The tension could be cut with a knife.

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

“Mom--”

 

“Are you mad at me?”

 

“I’m not mad.” Suga pulled his blanket off and walked toward his mom. “See? Sometimes I can walk normally. That’s something to be happy about.”

 

Risa began to sniffle, “I’m so sorry, honey.” She hugged him tightly. “I’m supposed to protect you and I did this to you…”

 

“Mom… don’t cry.” Suga hugged his mother back just as tight, trying to blink back the moisture that was swelling up in his eyes. “If you start crying I’m going to cry. And if I cry you’re going to keep on crying. Then we’ll just cry all night.”

 

Risa’s shuddered as the sobs racked her body.

 

“Mom…” Suga shakily took a deep breath. “It’s okay. I’m going to be strong all right. I won’t cry. _I’ll be strong enough for the both of us._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, is that a wild chapter 5!? Nerd where the fuck have you been?! Struggling my friends, struggling.
> 
> Sorry for the late update guys, life has /not/ been fair to your friend The Nerd lately. So the chapter came several days later than I was expecting. Plus having the chapter be long as *beeeeep* probably didn't help. But, I saw some y'all in the comments section asking for angst. You ask, and I delivered. So don't shoot the giver. And sorry for switching back and forth between "Suga" and "Koushi" and "Tasaki" and "Dr. Tasaki". I figured for different character's POVs, the way they referred to certain characters would be different. That aside though...
> 
> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. It's the small family moments like these that really bring a story together. *tearful sniff*
> 
> That aside, life has currently been gracing me with a small moments peace (though that might be /too/ fast to say cuz oh college apps), so as far as odd numbered chapters, they should be coming back at an on time weekly basis again! So be prepared, the road only gets bumpier for Suga after this! WAHAHA. Chapter Five, more like Chapter Get Rekt.
> 
> So happy, or not-so-happy, reading to all of you because next up is Zero's turn. And god knows what the hell she'll be doing next.


	7. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everything unravels.

Practice for the day was over and the sun sank low on the horizon, staining wispy clouds with red. After firmly telling the kids to eat a proper meal as always, Ukai went back to the store to tidy up a few things in preparation for the next day. He had planned to get everything done in the morning, but there really weren’t enough hours in one day to finish. So here he was on a Friday evening, taking stock out back and making sure nothing had gone past the expiry date. He heaved a sigh and watched the dust motes spiral up to the ceiling, dancing beneath the fluorescent light.

He wondered how Sugawara was doing. He hadn’t seen the boy in practice for about a week. Well, he supposes it’s not really his business since it’s Sugawara’s own personal matter. Though he would sleep more easily at night if he knew for certain that Sugawara didn’t have SCA after all. He hoped he was wrong. Hoped Sugawara had something else instead. His grandfather wasn’t a doctor and neither was he. They could be overreacting over this newfound clumsiness. Maybe there are many more diseases with similar symptoms-

He really needed a smoke.

Clicking his pen impatiently and running a rough hand through his hair he scanned over every label. Everything seemed to be in order.

The phone rang faintly, the sound drifting over from the store front. On the way he grabbed another memo pad out of habit. It wasn't often the store received phone calls. When they did it was usually about an order he had placed earlier.

“Sakanoshita store, Ukai speaking.”

“Good evening, Ukai-san.”

It was Sugawara’s mother. That’s right, he had forgotten to leave behind contact information back at the hospital.

“Ah, Mrs. Sugawara. How can I help you?” He hardly paused to let her answer before the next question left his lips in a hurry, “Did the results come back?”

“Yes. They did.” She said stiffly. “He-” She took in a sharp breath. “Sorry.”

Ukai’s eyes widened. Mrs. Sugawara was on the verge of tears. His hand curled tightly around the receiver, his knuckles turned white.

_No. No, no, no. It can’t be._

When Mrs. Sugawara finally spoke again she sounded completely unaffected. As though she was never at her breaking point in the first place, “Koushi has it. SCA 3.”

The terse manner in which she said the words so calmly was terrifying. Ukai couldn’t imagine how it must feel for her to find out her son had an incurable disease that could only get worse.

“SCA 3,” he repeated, stunned. “I am so sorry.” He didn’t know what to say. Every word of comfort he could think of felt meaningless and empty.

“I was wondering if-” She paused mid-sentence.  Then her voice was muted, like a hand was over the receiver on her end. “Koushi? You want the phone?”

He heard a muffled, indistinct voice in the background, presumably Sugawara’s. Something clattered over at the front of the store. He walked over and found one of the brooms for sale knocked over on the ground and propped it back up. Should probably get a proper stand for those. Nobody likes to buy things with scratches all over them.

“Koushi, wants to talk to you.”

A brief moment of silence passed before Sugawara’s tired voice reached him, “Hello, coach?”

“Sugawara,” Ukai acknowledged him with a nod out of habit. “Are you ok?” he asked gently.

“I’m coping better than I thought,” Sugawara laughed lightly, but it was a hollow, lifeless sound. He’s trying so hard to keep it together. The soft-spoken strength Sugawara possessed was nowhere to be found in his request either, “There’s a favour I’d like to ask of you,” he stammered, “If it would be alright with you, that is.”

Ukai felt apprehensive. Something about Sugawara’s wavering voice made it sound like some kind of crime he was about to ask Ukai to do. “If it’s in my power,” he emphasised, “I will do it for you.”

Sugawara seemed to consider his words for a moment, before answering so quietly Ukai had to strain to hear him, “I’d like to ask you not to mention any of this to the team.”

“Of course!” Ukai released a sigh of relief. That was something he could definitely do for Sugawara. “I understand it’s something you should say in person when you’re ready.”

The silence was thick, only interrupted by the sound of rustling fabric and a shuddering breath on Sugawara’s end of the phone. “Yea...that’s right.”

If it’s tosses and techniques, like he thought the problem was at first, he would do everything in his power to guide Sugawara. But this was something far more unfortunate. The boy’s road ahead would be fraught with pain and hardship. He knew that much. The truth was, there’s nothing he could say to help Sugawara right now.

“If there’s anything at all, any way I can help you don’t hesitate to ask.” It all came out in a tumble. He meant it, but the words felt foreign in his mouth. He didn’t know how he could help Sugawara, so he’d have to rely on the boy to tell him what he needed when he needed it. “Take care, Sugawara.”

“Thanks for taking me to the hospital. I'll see you Monday, coach.”

Sugawara hung up and the electronic tone flatlined over the phone.

+

Enveloped in silence as thick as the night was dark Asahi thought too much. Probably why he couldn’t fall asleep in the first place. The thing at the forefront of his mind was something he didn’t want to touch. At the same time, it needed to come out, but he was utterly alone and there was nobody he could talk to. The second thing after that was if he didn’t get to bed right now he swore he would drop dead.

He wanted to talk to Daichi and Suga so badly his phone lit up every few minutes, his face awash with its pale electric glow. They were the two he needed to talk to the most. He knew what Suga was hiding. He never turned up to practice and he had been avoiding everyone, although he vehemently denies it.

Daichi. Daichi didn’t seem to know and it made Asahi so afraid. With every passing day he seemed more frustrated with Suga’s silence. He was a ticking time bomb. Telling Daichi what he overheard may not be the wisest choice.

Thinking in circles he was back at the beginning: there was no one he could talk to. So he found comfort in an online friend he never met. Just a few weeks ago this guy was just a stranger.

For some reason he felt more comfortable talking to total anonymous strangers than actual people face to face. He could tell them anything (except for things like your address, full name and bank account pin numbers of course), since they didn’t know his face and he didn’t know theirs. Eventually they’d part ways never to meet again.

 **Asahi:** Hey

 **Ryo:** Hey man. How are you?

The question caught him off guard. There’s a blank in his mind as he tried to come up with a response. But his mind only responded with a scream for sleep. He replied automatically without much thought. It’s what years of small talk trained him to do.

 **Asahi:** I'm alright

 **Ryo:** You sure? You seem off

 _Can always count on Ryo to notice something different,_ thought Asahi. He’s fairly certain nobody at Karasuno knew anyone named “Ryo” (Not that Asahi’s absolutely sure that’s his real name though). That’s why he had told him about Suga and how clumsy he had gotten. It helped that Ryo was a med student.

 **Asahi:** He has it. He has SCA

 **Ryo:** Whoa whoa whoa! Hold your horses

 **Asahi:** It’s not mere conjecture anymore like you said

 **Asahi:** I heard it myself from the coach. He was the one who took Suga to hospital

He remembered it clearly. Quietly tip-toeing into the store so he wouldn’t disturb anyone. The sunset that evening was beautiful. Red and gold clouds splattered across a dusty blue sky that dimmed as the sun retreated, reflected on the glass door like a transparent watercolour painting. He planned to buy a popsicle on the way home. Rummaging through the freezer for his favourite flavour, as soon as he heard Ukai say “Mrs. Sugawara” he completely froze and stayed to listen. Ukai didn’t say much, but the next words “SCA 3” made the popsicle slip out of his hand and his feet stumbled backwards. There was a clattering as he ran away without looking back.

It broke his heart. Suga probably wasn’t planning on telling any of them, _Why? Doesn’t he know we’re worried? Doesn’t he care about us?_

The more he thought about it the more guilty he felt. All those worries flooded out like a dam had broken inside him. As soon as his fingers started moving across the keys he couldn’t stop.

 **Asahi:** I should have known. Should have taken him to the hospital that time when he almost fell into oncoming traffic

 **Asahi:** I didn't think it would be SCA because it's so rare. It only happens to people on tv, in those housewife dramas where everything that can possibly go wrong, goes very very wrong

 **Asahi:** I was wrong

 **Asahi:** How could I have been so naive

 **Ryo:** Asahi

 **Asahi:** I'm so stupid

 **Asahi:** I was the first to notice anything different. If I acted earlier it probably wouldn't have gotten so bad

 **Asahi:** He would have gotten treated earlier

 **Asahi:** It’s all my fault

 **Ryo:** ASAHI!! Snap out of it

 **Ryo:** There was no way you could have seen it coming

 **Asahi:** I should have done something

 **Ryo:** I’m so sorry to hear that your friend really has SCA. But Asahi

 **Ryo:** You are not at fault

Asahi paused, his fingers trembling slightly as he blinked at the sentence. He deleted the wall of text he had typed up.

 **Asahi:** I’m not? Are you sure?

 **Ryo:** I’m absolutely sure

 **Ryo:** You want to help your friend, right?

 **Asahi:** Yes

 **Ryo:** Then we gotta think about what we can do for him now, not what we could have done in the past. None of us can change what’s already happened but we can change the future

 **Asahi:** You are a true adult!

 **Ryo:** Oh no, don’t admire me. I’m only legally an adult, Asahi. My cooking is terrible. I _melted_ the chicken I tried to cook. Emphasis on tried

 **Ryo:** Anyway, I’ll send you some links on SCA and a few articles I can get for you through uni. There’s a lot of material to read through. It would probably help to understand what it is so we can take good care of your friend

 **Asahi:** Thank you so much

Asahi finally fell asleep after emptying his head of worry. Just as his consciousness slipped away into the dark he thought, “What can I do for my friend?”

+

“Hey guys!” A voice they all hadn’t heard in a long time called out to them from the doors of the gym. Suga waved at them.

“Suga-san!”

“Suga!” Asahi bounded over to the door, almost bulldozing the energetic duo Noya and Tanaka. Now that was a rare sight to behold. Asahi normally went about things like the world was made of glass. Daichi snickered, it’s just his heart that’s made of glass.

Daichi looked on fondly at the spontaneous cuddle pile. He’d go in for a hug too but if he did Suga was probably going to be crushed by the entire team. Practice was never quite the same without him.

Extricating himself from a tangle of lanky limbs Suga grinned brightly at him. Seemed like he’s glad to be back too, “Daichi! Do you have a minute?”

“Sure.”

The team went back to practice looking revitalised with the exception of Asahi, who lingered on the sidelines watching them. Daichi frowned, _Why does he look like the world’s going to end?_

Suga pinned him in place with a serious look for a moment. Asahi would have to wait. “I’ve actually been going to rehab for the past week.” Suga quickly added with a nonchalant wave of his hand, “You know, for my recent motor problems.”

Daichi felt Suga’s alert eyes scanning over his face. Suga’s own face seemed pleasantly relaxed with his usual backlit smile. But Suga wasn’t the only one who knew how to read faces covered with masks of their own creation. Beneath Suga’s mask Daichi sensed nervousness on intuition alone.

Daichi raised an eyebrow in question, “And?”

“I’m not sure if I can go to nationals with you guys.”

_You guys? He’s saying it like he’s not a part of the team anymore. This isn’t Suga. Who is this guy?_

Something unpleasant must have shown up on his face. When Suga spoke again it reeked of damage control, “I mean, if I do well in rehab I can definitely come back soon enough.” Suga’s eyes flicked to the side.

He forced his face to relax and painted an understanding, but sad smile across his lips. He never thought he’d see the day he would have to change his face specifically for his best friend. “Don’t worry about a thing. Your health is important. You take care of yourself and I swear we’ll come back with a trophy to show you.”

Relief washed over Suga’s face and Daichi knew he had said exactly what Suga wanted to hear. He patted Suga firmly on the shoulder, “Is your mother waiting for you?”

“Yes, her car’s just outside the gates. Why?” Suspicion flashed behind Suga’s eyes, expression guarded.

Still with forced calmness on his face, Daichi kept his tone light and casual, “Well, it’s been a while. Thought I should go be polite and say hello.”

To his relief Suga was grinning devilishly, “Ok, you go do that Daichi, so responsible and mature. Soon you’ll be an old man and we’ll have to look at retirement homes for you.”

Daichi lightly batted his arm, “Yea, yea, we can be constipated together when the time comes. Go talk to Asahi, he looks like he’s going to cry.”

Suga glanced at the ace. The concern had never left Asahi’s face. For a split second their eyes met and Suga’s eyes widened with something akin to fear.

Something wasn’t right here. He’ll get to the bottom of this later. Daichi had something to fix.

Sure footsteps led him out of the gym and to Mrs. Sugawara’s silver car parked outside the school gates with the windows rolled down. Daichi guessed Suga was only here to tell the team he’s leaving before going straight home. Or to rehab.

Unfortunately, Daichi had other plans. They didn’t get this far to go to nationals without Suga. Surely he could still participate in some way without leaving the team. He had also heard Suga mention in passing how protective his mother was. Understandable, seeing as he’s her only son.

Daichi bowed and nodded in greeting, “Hello, Mrs. Sugawara. Thank you so much for bringing Suga today. How are you?”

“Oh, it’s nothing, Daichi-kun,” She waved her hand and smiled warmly up at him. “I'm doing well. And you?”

He decided not to talk about volleyball for the moment and watched as Mrs. Sugawara relaxed her posture, easing into small talk. He rested his hand behind his neck and dipped his head down, “It’s been a bit hectic thinking about next year and preparing for university entrance exams. Other than that I’m doing great.”

“I’m sure you’ll do wonderfully,” Mrs. Sugawara encouraged him.

“About Suga leaving the team,” Daichi began gently, “I know he’s having motor problems, but even then I know the team would love to have him there with us at nationals together.” He put emphasis on the word "together" and watched guilt flutter behind her eyes. He could work that to his advantage. Adding a pleading tone to the mix Daichi dealt the final blow, “Of course, he doesn’t have to come back straight away. This is Suga’s last chance and he’s worked so hard.”

Voice stripped of politeness she said sharply, “He can’t.”

“Why not, Mrs. Sugawara?”

“I’m sorry.” The warmth drained from her eyes and dripped down her face. She buried her face in her hand, “I’m so sorry.”

He stepped closer to the car and almost poked his head in through the window, “Mrs. Sugawara, what’s really happening?” He’d never seen an adult break down like that before and it made him fear for Suga.

Mrs. Sugawara shattered and everything spilled into Daichi’s ears settling into a tumultuous swirl in his head.

+

Most people suffered from pre-match jitters. To calm himself before a match Asahi would imagine the scariest thing in the world and build confidence around that thinking, “Surely the match can’t be scarier than that.” Daichi appeared calm because he had to, for the team. Still, that didn’t mean he was immune to bouts of nervousness.

Before matches he imagined a lake.

Inside his mind was a lake as still as a mirror. No wind passed by and no waves or ripples undulated on its surface. There were no fish or swaying aquatic plants in the deep. No mountains frame this still water in the landscape. The lake expands in all directions into infinity.

He slid open the gym doors with fluid movements and felt his body flow into the space, mind and body oddly disconnected. Inside him, he carried his lake, taking care not to spill a single drop.

Traversing across the gym with a sort of tranquility that made his feet light he barely paid attention to stray balls flying about. He knew they would never hit him. His eyes only saw one thing with clarity, a specific shade: silver-grey.

“What the fuck,” he cursed quietly.

The lake shivered before before settling into its mirror-like form.

Kageyama paused his tosses to Hinata and cocked his head to the side, “Did Sawamura-san just say ‘fuck’?”

Absolutely appalled Hinata stomped over to the black-haired boy, “Bakageyama, go clean your mouth!”

“What the fuck!”

The lake tremoured with a small quake.

Kageyama was genuinely confused, pointing at Daichi, “But Sawamura-san’s saying it, not me. He just said it again: ‘Fuck!’”

“Stop! Stop saying that!” Hinata clamped his hand over Kageyama’s mouth and the two struggled against each other.

Daichi ignored the concerned voices, “Daichi-san?” Nobody mattered right now.

No one dared to stand in his way. His path was empty until there was a solid wall. Tall and looming above him. He glared at Asahi, expecting him to move. But the ace with his strong angular face and determined eyes stood his ground, “Daichi, no.”

Normally it was “Noya, no!” Daichi gave a bitter smile. “You knew.” It was a statement, not a question. “And you didn’t tell me.”

The lake began to boil like hot acid.

Asahi let him pass, but watched him closely like he was ready to fight him. Daichi simply didn’t care.

In a few quick strides Daichi had his hand fisted Suga’s shirt as he threw him against the wall and pinned him there with an arm.

Suga gasped out in pain and surprise.

All hell broke loose. There was a lot of yelling and many rough hands flying about. Daichi was focused on only one thing.

Holding on to Suga in a death grip Daichi’s voice rumbled with barely contained rage, “Do we mean so little to you?”

Suga didn’t answer, only wearing a blank expression.

He shoved away whoever it was who tried to pry him away from Suga, “I thought we were friends. You never planned to tell me, to tell any of us, did you?” His roar tumbled about the gym. The place felt too hot and there were too many bodies trying to get at him. It only fueled the firestorm inside him.

“Ennoshita, help me!”

 _Ah, so it was Asahi_ , thought Daichi. Then two pairs of strong arms were ripping Daichi and Suga apart. Daichi writhed and clawed at the air trying to get to Suga, fingertips just brushing the fabric of his clothes.

Suga roared right back at him, “I didn’t tell you because this is exactly how you would react!”

Raising his voice in anger was unbecoming of Suga. The way it morphed his soft, kind voice into something vicious had quite the effect on Ennoshita and Asahi especially. The grip of their hands on Daichi loosened for a moment and it was all he needed before he lunged at Suga.

But Suga was faster.

In a blur Suga was upon Daichi, both hands yanking on his collar and shoving him back. Suga’s voice was dangerously low as they fell to the ground. “How can I say it? How can I tell you that it's only going to get worse?”

“How can you be sure? We can fix it! You _have to_ believe in modern science.” Daichi grabbed him by the shoulders, gripping so hard Suga was wincing.

Suga harshly pulled Daichi closer to him, forcing the larger of the two to look into his eyes filled with liquid amber. Slowly, Suga leaned in so close that Daichi could feel his breath curling around his ear. He hissed, “You will watch me die, Sawamura Daichi!”

The lake evaporated altogether leaving behind flames to scour the landscape and paint everything with black ash.

Unfettered fury ripped out of Daichi's throat, using all his weight he overpowered Suga, a fist drawn behind his cheek ready to hurt. Suga clawed at Daichi’s face leaving four lines of blood, adding his own screams to the cacophony.

All of a sudden Daichi wasn’t on the ground anymore. Four pairs of arms trapped him in a cage made of frightened human bodies. He could feel their fear tingling in the air and their chests heaving against him. When he really looked at them he found Asahi, Ennoshita, Tanaka and Noya yelling at him to calm down.

Out of his periphery he spotted Suga’s retreating back, ushered out by Ukai and Takeda.

“Get back here!” Eyes alight, Daichi bellowed after him. “I’m not done with you!”

The doors closed shut behind Suga with a loud clang that shook the gym into silence.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god guys, I'm so sorry for such a late chapter D: The chapter got a little long and life got in the way. Hopefully this chapter doesn't disappoint. It was super fun doing so many different POVs in one go to set up groundwork for future chapters ^0^
> 
> I have no idea what Nerd is going to do for the next chapter, but it's going to be a rough road ahead of us (especially for our favourite Suga >.>) Trust me when I say we, the writers, will be crying in a bucket with you guys as well


	8. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there's punishment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Zero here =D Because I love you guys so much I'm popping in a lovely song you should listen to while reading this wonderful chapter by Nerd ^0^
> 
> [The Quiet - Troye Sivan](http://listenonrepeat.com/watch/?v=vykVdJDu28A#Troye_Sivan_-_THE_QUIET_\(Lyric_Video\))

_ “Ennoshita, help me!” _

 

_ “Daichi-san calm down!” _

 

_ Other incoherent ramblings from his friends that Daichi wasn’t able to register as he settled down from the end result of his aggressive confrontation with his vice captain. _

 

Five maybe ten minutes had passed since Daichi’s teammates deemed him calm enough to release and the young captain sat still on the gym floor, panting. Ukai and Takeda had yet to return after they had taken Suga out of the area, and there was a hush that fell over the members of the Karasuno Volleyball Club.

 

The gym would have been completely silent if it weren’t for the puffs of breaths exiting the mouths of the teammates that had been involved in the struggle that almost seemed to be in another lifetime. Daichi almost felt numb as his eyes swept over them. 

 

Ennoshita’s back was turned to him. Tanaka and Nishinoya’s faces were contorted into expressions of shock and alarm, their eyes deliberately avoiding Daichi’s.

 

And then there was Asahi-- his stern yet nervous gaze firmly on him.

 

“ _ You knew. _ ” Daichi grounded at last, anger flaring up in his chest again. He had said it before his rage had taken over him completely before he lashed out on the guy who was --is-- his best friend. “You knew and you didn’t tell me.” “Daichi felt his chest clench tightly as he remembered his encounter with Suga’s mom. No it wasn’t just an encounter-- it was a revelation.

 

_ “Koushi can’t be on the team anymore because of  _ **_me_ ** _!” The woman choked out. “It’s my fault. He’s losing control of his entire body because of me and nothing can help him. Not the rehab, not the doctors, not me. He won’t even be able to talk anymore one day!” _

 

“Were you  _ ever  _ going to tell me?!” The pain he felt was fresh and it stung. The very people he entrusted a lot of his secrets and personal thoughts to would actually keep something as important as this away from him.

 

“I didn’t know how.” Asahi admitted, his was voice wavering but his gaze was unyielding. “I just found out myself, I was panicking--”

 

“So you decide to keep it to yourself?!” Daichi interjected furiously.

 

“It wasn’t my place to tell!” Asahi snapped back.

 

Daichi felt another flare of anger, but he somehow managed to keep from trying to punch Asahi square in the jaw. “He’s my best friend and you don’t think--”

 

“That’s right he  _ is  _ your best friend!” Startlingly enough, it was the libero of the team who had barked out the utterance. Nishinoya’s eyes were wide with disbelief. “So why would you do that?! Why would you hurt Suga-san?!”

 

If it weren’t for the fact Daichi was pissed to all hell he would have felt guilty. But even without the guilt, Daichi felt himself compelled into silence.  _ “I didn’t tell you because this is exactly how you would react!” _ There was a begrudging truth to that-- Daichi was never one to take bad news well. The death of a family member, a change in decision, having promises broken. But this reaction, however, was huge-- even for him.

 

One moment he’s standing beside a car window talking to one his best friends’ mom and then the next he was in the gym heading to his specified target, regardless of said target’s health. Stomach churning, Daichi decided this was too much conscious reflection that he wasn’t ready to begin. 

 

Promptly ignoring Nishinoya’s question, Daichi directed his attention back to Asahi. “What is it?” When Asahi didn’t answer right away, impatience sparked. “Azumane Asahi,  _ what. Is. It. _ ” It wasn’t a question anymore.

 

There was another pause and Asahi sighed deeply before finally relenting to his captain’s, his friend’s, demand. “It’s called SCA3.”

 

Daichi couldn’t even form the words to make a statement when the doors of the gym flew open, Ukai making a furious beeline to the group of boys still on the floor. Takeda wasn’t with him, and Daichi could only assume that it was probably because the club advisor was outside consoling Suga and his mom. “Sawamura!” The coach barked, fuming. Daichi couldn’t say he was surprised he was receiving what was looking like a very loud lecture.

 

And he was right.

 

“I get that Sugawara is your friend. That everyone in this  _ gym  _ is your friend” Ukai started. “But you aren’t just their friend, you’re their captain! A figurehead! A role model for the first and second years, the entire team!” Ukai’s voice seemed even louder in the gym due to the lack of air salonpas skidding and volleyballs thudding against the polished wood. “So you’re behaviour, no matter the reason, is inexcusable! How is the team going to function without their captain having his head on straight?!”

 

Daichi didn’t reply, only stared bitterly at his shoes.

 

Yes, Ukai was right. It didn’t mean that he would just readily admit that and relinquish all feelings of anger. He might have been the team captain, but he was seventeen. It was okay to be angry; he had a  _ right  _ to be angry.

 

He was being lied to straight to his face the moment Suga started skipping practice and sending reassuring text messages he would return eventually.

 

Suga even admitted to his face that he probably wasn’t even going to tell Daichi the truth period! Not even to the whole team!

 

And then Asahi had the gall to not tell him either?!

 

Why did that suddenly make him the bad guy?! Daichi wanted to yell. But in hindsight, he knew that wouldn’t be the best choice. “I’m sorry, Coach.” The apology was little more than a strangled gruff and it was completely obligatory.

 

Ukai released a long sigh, grumbling under his breath. (“I really need a cigarette right now, these kids are making me feel the way gramps looks.”) “So you understand that I have to punish you?”

 

Daichi bit his lip, a hand clenching into a fist. “... Yes, Sir.”

 

“No club activities for the rest of the week.”

 

Daichi somberly took his leave from the gymnasium.

 

* * *

 

**Asahi:** there aren’t going to be any club activities for the whole club. The underclassmen are kinda shaken up so coach told us to just come back next week   
**Asahi:** are you okay?   
**Asahi:** Daichi?   
**Asahi:** Suga feels pretty bad. You guys should talk to each other

 

Daichi placed his phone face down on his dresser and rolled over onto his side, a tight feeling in his chest. He didn’t feel like talking to anyone, let alone Asahi. Or Suga. Especially not Suga.

 

After his lecture, he grabbed his stuff and made a slow return to his home. His parents had been surprised at how early he had been, but he just made something up to reassure them. If Ukai hadn’t called to alert his parents why he was really home so early, why admit what had actually happened?

 

_ I’m tired. _

 

_ Is it okay that I’m this tired? _

 

Another sigh left him and Daichi rolled back onto his back.  _ I hurt a sick person.  _ The guilt was finally starting to settle in. Mad or no, that’s what he did. He imagined Mrs. Sugawara was outraged when Suga came back to her, his appearance ruffled and the teachers having to explained what happened. And then there was the added fact that club activities were canceled all together for the week and right when practice was especially important. But what's the point of having practice if both the captain and vice captain were out of commission. Then there was the fact that a new vice captain was going to have to be decided upon and Daichi wanted to crawl deeper into his hole of self-pity and loathing. Suga probably wasn't even going to show up for school tomorrow, and if Daichi was honest with himself he didn't feel like doing much of anything either.

 

_ “You will watch me die, Sawamura Daichi!” _

 

Except for maybe punching something. Daichi sat up, restless and reached for his laptop before logging in and finding his way onto google.

 

“S...C...A.”

  
There had to be something he could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, self disappointment my old friend~.
> 
> So welcome back guys to possibly the shortest chapter this fic is /ever/ gonna get. Hopefully.
> 
> Between leaving Oakland to go to Sacramento to then high tail it all the way to Oregon with little to no internet as well as some lovely dash of writer's block, my game was off and bam this short piece of garbage came into existence as a filler chapter because oh how I am stuck. But right now I'm in a place with stable wifi and getting my life together.... so bam this piece of garbage came out.
> 
> Anyway, here's to hoping for more regular updates coming in on my end cuz I was not expecting to take this long but between writer's block and real life being an ass, who knows.  
> ~ The Nerd


	9. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which too many words are left unsaid.

On the car ride back home there was nothing but grey twilight and the sound of the occasional car passing theirs, washing harsh white light over them. Suga knew bruises were already blossoming on his skin without looking. He could feel them spread across his back, distinct fingers of pain branded on his shoulders, the throbbing in his cheek–he saw his mother’s concern and her mouth pressed into a tight line as she trained her eyes on the road with a more effort than usual. 

She never said a word about how he looked after coming back from the gym escorted by Takeda and Ukai. Neither did he. 

It didn’t take a lot of guesswork to know how Daichi found out. He should feel angry, but he couldn’t. Only a strange sort of emptiness. His mother had always been good at covering up emotions, but he always knew how to read her face. It’s what she didn’t show that told him everything.

Her silence told him she was blaming herself for telling Daichi. It resulted in her son getting beaten by his best friend. By extension, she blamed herself for giving him this horrible disease.

_ “You will watch me die, Sawamura Daichi.” _

He shivered at the words he hissed into Daichi's ear. Was it the cold creeping in from outside or the adrenaline lingering inside him? 

Those words were carefully chosen to hurt the person he trusted the most. His best friend. 

Suga tipped his head back, furrowing his brows and eyes shut tightly. He wished everything could just stop for a minute. 

He dropped his gaze back on Risa’s shadowy back. Strands of the same silky, grey hair he had seemed to glow in the passing light. In the rear view mirror he saw eyes the exact same shade as his resolutely avoiding him. 

_ She doesn't want to look at me, but she'll watch me die too.  _

He could never say that to her though. It would break his heart to make her cry. He would do anything to erase the frown lines etched between her brows. He loved her so much. 

Somehow he managed to say it to Daichi, the kindest and most loyal person he knew. As soon as the words left his mouth all warmth deserted him. 

Daichi never cried when he was hurt. He burned. Even now, Suga could see Daichi’s face contorting with rage and all the pain he intentionally inflicted pouring gasoline over the flames in Daichi’s eyes. 

It's what Suga wanted. What right did Daichi have to look at him like this was just a minor setback in his life? How could Daichi place so much faith in him when even modern science didn't have an answer for him? 

There were still so many things he wanted to do. He wanted to see the world and learn about other amazing people. He wanted to have sex at least once. Even being able to panic over what to do in university like all his friends would be a blessing. 

Now, every morning he woke up in a cold sweat. In his dreams he would fall. He'd try to get up, but his legs were heavy and useless. He’d will his arms to move, shaking with the effort of propping himself off the ground. He'd try again and again, only to fail every time. 

He was constantly afraid that when he woke up it would be the day he would no longer be able to move. 

The worst part was he knew that dream would one day become a reality. There was no escape. 

He was still so young. It wasn't fair. 

Daichi insisting with such confidence and determination in the set of his face infuriated him. The feeling brewed a poison within him and bubbled out of his mouth as ugly words. 

Now a small, frightened voice inside him wondered if it was really worth it to see Daichi lose himself to pain and rage.

Thumbing over his phone he lingered over his list of friends. Who could he talk to? How could he face them like this? 

He stared at Daichi's name illuminated on the screen. Daichi was always the one he went to first when he needed someone to lean on, an unwavering pillar of support. His eyes stung at the last words he spoke to Daichi.  _ Can we go back to the way we were? Is this how we fall apart?  _

“Koushi, you're sniffing. Are you cold?” Risa asked, brows drawn close in worry again. 

“No, I'm fine.”

+

Tsukishima had never particularly enjoyed visiting hospitals. It was always filled with noise. The low whirring and beeping of machines and patients being wheeled elsewhere accompanied by footsteps echoing down every corridor. Not to mention the smell. The sharp scent of antiseptic seeping everywhere. He always thought hospitals were either the cleanest places in the world with the obvious need for sterilisation or places fecund with disease, but could never make up his mind on which one it was. 

Despite all that he watched and listened with morbid fascination at what went on around the team. 

On the way here they got off on the wrong floor. They were getting back to the elevator when a rendition of Happy Birthday that sounded more like a funeral dirge echoed from one of the rooms. There was a violent shuffling and the sound of sheets being ripped off. Finally a loud clattering of metal trays falling to the ground followed by a shapeless thud of someone's limbs crumpling. 

The patient had thrown himself off his cot and drowned out the song with incoherent wailing. It's understandable. Spending your birthday at a hospital was less than ideal. 

As they passed the room Tsukishima saw the man's family force smiles on their faces as they tried to calm him down.

How depressing. 

Tsukishima wondered if Sugawara might react the same way when he's hospitalised. The thought was unavoidable. With Sugawara's condition it would only get worse. The progression of the disease could be slowed down and controlled to an extent, but it would still advance. 

Once they spilled out of the elevator to the correct floor. It was a little quieter here, though there was still the odd wheelchair trundling past and machines trying to be as quiet at they can. Overall, people seemed happier on this floor. There wasn’t any wailing for a start.

“Alright. Let's all make this a good visit.”

Tsukishima nodded automatically. Azumane was giving instructions, but he wasn't actually listening. He managed to get the basic gist of it though. Don't make a ruckus. 

Within seconds Tanaka loudly shushed Nishinoya. 

Looking at Azumane’s broad back at the head of the group was an odd sight. He stood tall and straight like a knight. Something about him had changed. 

Their ace was a perceptive, kind and soft-spoken upperclassman. However, he never struck Tsukishima as a leader before. Maybe this was growing up. 

In contrast, their captain trailed behind the group. Dark brown eyes with darker shadows drinking in everything in sight. Right now he appeared to be triple-checking the signage to make sure they were at the right floor. 

Sawamura had seemed off ever since that messy confrontation with Sugawara,but he wasn't the only one acting strangely. 

The King was uncharacteristically quiet. He didn't even respond to Hinata's usual jabs. Eventually Hinata also fell silent, staring at Kageyama. 

Realistically, how long could Hinata stay silent? The answer was about ten seconds. He elbowed Kageyama. “Oi, say something. You're being scary.”

“Yea...ok.”

How unusual. No death glare or an indignant “Hah? What did you say?”

When they made it to the room they were looking for it was like a small gym of sorts. This one they were in was the main room. Splitting off the sides through some other doors were private rooms for individual rehabilitation sessions. Inside was a circuit of what looked like regular gym equipment and gymballs. There were also a number of machines Tsukishima didn’t know the use for. One was a giant wheel mounted on the way, another had these rubber things that’s probably for patients to squeeze and this machine with many wires coming out of it. In addition, there was a small set of wooden steps and parallel bars. These two, Tsukishima guessed, would probably be the ones Sugawara used the most.

There weren’t any other patients aside from Sugawara using the room, just a couple of staff and a woman who must be Mrs. Sugawara. She was a beautiful lady. She had the same face as Sugawara’s and the same silvery hair that fell down to her shoulders in soft waves. She even had a mole just beneath her eye.

What made her resemble Sugawara the most was the warm smile that lit up her face at the sight of the team. “Hello! Oh, Asahi, I didn’t expect you to bring everyone. It’s a wonderful surprise to finally meet you all.”

One by one they introduced themselves. Tsukishima pretended not to know Tanaka and Nishinoya. They stuttered their introductions and couldn’t do much more than blatantly gape at Sugawara’s mother.

Sugawara was slowly going through repetitions along the circuit. Almost the entire team went to flutter about Sugawara, asking him how he’s doing and telling him about all the funny things that had happened while he was gone. Of course, they wished he would come back, but they only ever implied it instead of saying it outright. Tsukishima thought if they simply told Sugawara what they thought it might have a better effect.

But what they say wasn’t any of his business. He settled himself on the side of the room to watch the rest of them. He didn’t want to bother Sugawara when he’s concentrating on completing the circuit.

Sawamura was taking note of everything in the room, taking everything in with those dark eyes with a sort of hunger Tsukishima had seen only in their toughest matches. Those times where their will to win had to break through and make a difference. Sawamura, more than anyone in the room, wanted to make a difference for Sugawara. It’s supposed to be a good thing, but somehow it was an unhealthy obsession that made shadows beneath the captain’s eyes.

Sawamura made no move to approach Sugawara during their visit. Instead, he shuffled over the Azumane and Mrs. Sugawara in a way only a sleep-deprived person would. 

Mrs. Sugawara’s eyes cautiously flitted between Sawamura and her son. Azumane quieted as Sawamura approached.

He said nothing to either of them, only shifting into a ninety degree bow. It said, “I’m sorry for hurting your son.”

Mrs. Sugawara also remained silent. Glancing over at Sugawara who simply gave her a nod and a small smile. She rested her hand on Daichi's shoulder, prompting him to look up at her. She shook her head softly and gracefully motioned for Daichi to stop bowing. “We forgive you,” she said with her actions. 

The quiet was nice for a change but all this silent code was sort of exhausting to watch. Tsukishima found himself wishing for the noise to return. 

At the parallel bars Sugawara was doing great. It didn’t look like he needed to hold onto the bars for actual support. Just a touch on the metal as he walked, like going down the stairs. From what Tsukishima gathered Sugawara still retained most of his motor functions with only a few glitches here and there. 

As always, things go well until they don't. 

It was only a stumble. Surprise flashed across Sugawara’s face, his hand tightened around the bars, but still his legs crumpled beneath him. 

When a child fell there's a small window where everyone froze and then reacted. It's how the bystanders react that caused the child to respond to their own fall in a certain way. 

For Sugawara that window opened up and several things happened at once. 

“Koushi!” Mrs. Sugawara yelped. Judging from her reaction this wasn't an exercise Sugawara usually struggled with. She quickly begged the therapist on hand for a short break. 

Azumane was instantly by his side fussing over him. “Did you break anything? Does anything hurt? Oh my god, are you bleeding anywhere?” He was only a few steps away from scooping up Sugawara into his arms and running for the emergency room. 

Daichi strode up to them in quick steps, prying Azumane away. “Give him some space. He's fine. Suga is strong. He can do anything he puts his mind to. Right?”

The entire team except for Tsukishima and Kageyama moved in to make sure their friend was ok. 

Tsukishima stayed on the sidelines, calmly watching everything. He wasn't all that surprised. It's expected that Sugawara would be falling more often. While it looked painful he wasn't concerned. Doctors and nurses were ready to help. Sugawara was also strong enough to handle a few bruises in his opinion. 

Kageyama was an entirely different story. The King was pale as a sheet. The overwhelming fear in Kageyama’s eyes made Tsukishima frown. Kageyama’s hand shook, and those hands which set up perfect tosses  _ never _ shook.

Their eyes met for a split second before Kageyama dropped his gaze in shame. 

Tsukishima's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. He hadn't even said anything terrible yet. 

Back at the parallel bars Sugawara unleashed that hundred watt smile of his, but not before Tsukishima caught the unpleasant twist of his mouth. 

“I'm fine guys, don't worry.” He quickly added, “Please don't faint Asahi.”

Sugawara hated this.

Still, he got back up and kept going. This time, more cautiously. 

After a while Kageyama wandered towards Sugawara. He spoke in such a soft and caring tone it was scarier than his nightmare of a smile. “I have to go. Sugawara-san, I,” he hesitated, mouth a wavering line. “I have to go.”

By now Tsukishima was ready to grab someone and shake them by the shoulders.  _ What is it with all this silence today? If you have something to say, spit it out!  _

Hinata moved to follow Kageyama out the door. His face was serious and fraught with concern. “What’s with Kageyama?”

Tsukishima wanted to bang his head against the wall. Wasn't it obvious what the hell was wrong with Kageyama? The last thing Kageyama needed was Hinata shooting a million questions at him right now. Hands in his pockets, Tsukishima slid into the doorway and towered above Hinata. He looked down his nose condescendingly and drawled, “What? Can't survive five seconds without your king?”

Hinata glared at him and grumbled under his breath about salty beanpoles. Tsukishima didn't care enough to listen. His job here was done. 

They left soon after Kageyama. Mrs. Sugawara asked if they might come again to give her son some encouragement. Nishinoya loudly promised they would always be here for Sugawara.

On their way back home with the team Yamaguchi fell into step beside him. “What was that back there? You were right to stop Hinata, but you didn't have to do it like that. Tsukki, are you listening?”

Oh, he heard Yamaguchi loud and clear. His eye twitched at the other things he's hearing at the front of the group. 

Sawamura was yammering on how all the equipment there should be able to help with Sugawara's condition. Fair enough. What else would the equipment be for? But he was also making plans for some kind of roster for the team so during every therapy session a few of them would keep Sugawara company. He claimed it would encourage and help Sugawara, be a pillar of emotional support. 

He was forcing help on Sugawara without thinking about whether he's actually ready to take it. 

Tsukishima shook his head in annoyance and spat, “It’s all happening right under your nose and you can’t even see it.”

“What do you mean, Tsukishima?”

“He didn’t want any of us there.”

“That’s ridiculous! Of course he’d want us there. He needs the team there to support him.” Sawamura was so offended and hurt. Then angry, his features twisting up into a dark frown. He closed the distance between them with a few quick strides. He said sharply, “He needs all the help he can get so he can get better.” Another step forward and he was almost nose to nose with Tsukishima. “Why would you say such hurtful things, Tsukishima?”

There were all sorts of holes in Sawamura's logic here. Tsukishima could list them all but honestly, his mother was waiting for him to come home for dinner and he didn’t have time to reason with someone who couldn't see what's actually in front of them. 

Tsukishima held Sawamura’s gaze, neither one backing down. 

_ He seriously doesn't know.  _

Tsukishima simply slipped on his headphones and went on his way. 

+

Oikawa loved the way the air smelled just before night fell. The heat of the day slowly evaporated out of the ground and crickets started chirping here and there. Replacing the heat was a refreshing coolness that somehow felt easier to breathe. A pleasant rest from panting heavily in the gym after practising jump serves.

His knee was getting better, but sometimes there was still an annoying twinge. He wanted to do more, he wanted to improve faster and become the very best. However, at the back of his mind he knew overworking himself would only break it down and he would end up not being able to do a fraction of what he was once capable of. Iwaizumi never failed to remind him.

He closed his eyes and felt himself relax, taking in all the sounds. Probably something he shouldn’t do too often walking home at night. And he was right. Not much time had passed when he promptly bumped into someone.

“Sorry!” His eyes snapped open and reached out just in case the person fell.

Black hair flopping over what Oikawa knew to be blue eyes–it was none other than his irritating rival Tobio.

“Well if it isn't Tobio-chan~”

Something about dear Tobio wasn’t quite right. He was all hunched over and stared at his feet. Also, what on earth was he doing all this way?

Tobio finally looked up at him. Eyes shone bright even in twilight with a sheen of tears instead of raw confidence. He said, “Oikawa-san” in a trembling, watery voice before the tears spilled over and Tobio rubbed at his face with the back of his sleeves.

Oikawa gaped at the sight before him.  _ Oh shit. He's crying.  _ This Tobio was entirely foreign to him.

Half of him wondered if this was a good photo opportunity while the other half smacked him around the head.  _ You don’t take pictures of crying people! Not even if you don’t like them very much! _

Passersby slowed down around them. Someone whispered, “Is that guy bullying him?” “Should we call the police?” suggested a middle-aged woman.

Today was not the day he gets arrested! Panicking, he dragged Tobio off by the wrist to a nearby park away from all these people. “Come on, Tobio-chan.”

Tobio didn’t protest. He sniffled a bit, but didn’t complain otherwise.

Where's Iwaizumi when he needed him? He was a decent captain, but he couldn't say he was any good at handling Tobio even when he wasn’t crying. Tobio had always been his problem, the one thing he couldn’t handle.

He sat Tobio down on a nearby bench. Gesturing with his index finger he sternly tells him, “You sit tight and wait here, ok? I'll be right back.”

He ran to a nearby convenience store and bought a packet of tissues and a milk box, the kind he remembered Tobio always buying when they were on the same team. The tissues, Oikawa begrudgingly admitted, probably weren’t very good for drying tears. They were the minty kind and he bought them because liked the turquoise colour of the packaging.

Oikawa pushed the items into Tobios hands. “Alright, drink this and use these.”

Tobio obediently did as he was told. He tried to stab the straw into the milk box, but his hands kept on shaking. 

A little impatient, Oikawa took it out of his hands and did it himself. This wasn’t like Tobio at all. Even in the most stressful matches he would never shake like this. He plopped it back in Tobio’s hands.

Tobio sculled it all down so fast Oikawa wondered if he’d need a plastic bag in case Tobio got sick and threw it all back up. Luckily for him, Tobio didn’t and started cleaning up his face with the tissues. 

“What’s wrong?” Oikawa asked.

“Nothing. These smell nice.” Tobio buried his nose in the tissue, breathing deeply and eyelids drifted shut.

“Don’t you dare divert my attention. You know that’s not what I’m asking about,” Oikawa snapped.

When Tobio opened his eyes again he seemed faraway, looking at something Oikawa can't see. “What would you do if you could never play volleyball again. Ever,” he asked quietly. 

Goosebumps ran all over Oikawa’s skin. Was something wrong with Tobio? Did he injure himself beyond repair? Giving Tobio a quick look over Oikawa concluded that he looked fine. Then was it Chibi-chan? That would be horrible. He may be short but he was an interesting player boiling with potential. If someone like that was broken it would be a real waste.

Oikawa puffed his chest out and replied, “Don’t worry. I’m invincible, Tobio-chan. No need to cry over dear Oikawa-sama.”

“Sugawara-san has a degenerative disease.”

“Suga who?”  _ Degenerative disease? Is that the same as terminal? _

“Our third year setter.”

“Ah! Mr. Refreshing!”

He was annoying to deal with. Oikawa enjoyed playing against him though. It was fun and interesting. Sugawara was subtle but effective. The most annoying kind of player because you don't expect him to do much. He admired the setter though they’ve never spoken with each other before.

“What disease is it?”

“SCA 3. Eventually he'll lose control over his body and die.”

_ Oh. _ It all came together and Oikawa saw why Tobio was so shaken by this.

“Back then that time, did you hate me, Oikawa-san?”

The bitter memory was fresh in his mind. That moment when he was taken off the court to be replaced by Tobio. It screamed to him, “You're easily replaceable. We don't need you anymore now that we have someone better.”

How could he not? He hated what Tobio was born with. Practice couldn’t give you the innate ability of a prodigy. He hated that it was so much easier for Tobio.

Naturally, he hesitated for far too long before replying slowly, “No.” It came out sounding like a question. 

When Tobio gave him the smallest smile Oikawa knew the boy didn't buy his lie. 

“Would Sugawara hate me too?”

Oikawa could see what he was thinking. Tobio thought it was his fault Sugawara couldn’t play as much as he could given the time bomb that was this disease. If he didn’t take Sugawara’s regular position on the team then maybe he could have played more.

Oikawa leaned forward to peer directly into Tobio’s eyes, snapping him out of his daze. “Look, it’s not your fault that you became the official setter. You of all people should know how it is in sports. The best person for the job will get the position. The side with the strongest six wins. Nobody would have seen this coming and it’s definitely nobody’s fault that Mr. Refreshing has this disease.” He jabbed his finger in the air in front of him. “Ok? The point I’m trying to make is life is sometimes horrible to us and we have to be strong and live through it.”

God, he’s so terrible at this. He never was as cool and inspiring as Iwaizumi when it came to talks like these. He’s not sure if his point was put across properly or if he rambled too much. Effectiveness in talks like these were sometimes hard to gauge with Tobio.

The sky had gotten dark. He couldn’t have Tobio wandering around on his own like this, so he ended up awkwardly walking the boy home. They were silent the entire way and Oikawa took the time to notice Tobio. He’s grown a lot taller since middle school, his shoulders have become broader and lost the baby fat on his face. Seeing him cry like that reminded Oikawa of how young he actually was. Especially how young Mr. Refreshing was to be dealing with something that’s quite literally unfixable.

Oikawa’s gaze fell to his own knee. He should take better care of himself.

Once they made it Tobio’s home he made sure Tobio went through the door. Oikawa was about to turn back when Tobio called out to him.

“Thank you, Oikawa-san.”

He’s not actually sure if he helped. When he got home he told Iwaizumi everything. The whole experience was surreal. Things like people getting horrible diseases were things that stayed on tv. It wasn’t something you’d think would happen to someone close by.

**Iwaizumi:** At least you tried   
**Oikawa:** What am I supposed to say? Congratulations, Tobio-chan. You are now officially Karasuno’s only setter

As soon as he hit send he knew it was the absolute worst thing to say. Iwaizumi was silent for a long time. Oikawa braced himself for a lecture he honestly felt he deserved. 

The harsh lecture he expected never came. Instead Iwaizumi asked him a question so simple it rang with clarity. There was really only one way to answer it. 

**Iwaizumi:** What if it was me?   
**Iwaizumi:** How would you feel if I had a terminal illness?

He couldn't bear the thought of losing his best friend, couldn’t even recall a time in his past where they weren’t there for each other. A future without Iwaizumi appeared unthinkable.

**Oikawa:** I’ll die with you   
**Iwaizumi:** Shut up. Be serious   
**Oikawa:** I am, Iwa-chan~

+

By now worrying was less a state of mind and more a state of being for Asahi. He worried about all sorts of things. For example, sometimes the almonds he likes to eat have a suspicious white powder on them and he’d start counting down to his inevitable death by cyanide. He’d worry about how on earth he was going to survive on his own out in the real world. No matter how hard he tried his grades didn’t seem to make the cut for university. It relieved him though. University sounded like a scary place. However, the uncertainty of what he should do after graduating still scared him.

Those worries were all fixable with time and a bit of confidence. He was working on that slowly. 

But it’s nothing compared to his worry for his friends.

Suga. Oh, Suga. He wished there was some way he could help. There was no way for him to fix Suga. All he could do was offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. 

After Tsukishima’s confrontation he called Suga to ask about it. They didn’t really talk much, though the phone call was long. He gave Suga a rundown of what happened and asked him, “Is it true? Would you rather us not be there?”

“It’s true.” Suga’s voice was so quiet Asahi had to strain his ears to hear it. “I’m sorry, I don’t want any of you to see me like that.”

The way Suga’s voice hitched up into a shuddering gasp at the end made Asahi’s hand clench around his phone. Not trusting himself to keep his voice steady Asahi whispered, “Suga, it’s ok to cry.”

They didn’t talk at all after that. He listened to Suga cry in sniffles, suppressed sobs and quiet whimpers. Suga sounded like he was made of water, a stream trying not to become a river.

Every sound hurt. Asahi knew words could hurt. Terrible children and their cruel words hurt. People and their vocal judgement hurt. But these small, shapeless sounds his friend was making raked thorns through his heart and made saltwater pour from his eyes. Still, he listened until they stopped.

“Suga? Are you still awake?”

Asahi heard nothing. He waited a few minutes, but the line was silent.

“Goodnight, Suga. I’ll always be here. Remember that.” He’s not sure why he’d say that when Suga couldn’t hear him, but he felt like it needed to be said.

Some days had passed and Suga never called or texted him. He didn’t mind, though worry gnawed at his bones. Incredibly, he thought he should probably follow Tsukishima’s way of handling this: wait until Suga asks for help and a shoulder to lean on. At first it was difficult to stop himself from wanting to visit Suga everyday to make sure he’s ok, but he’s getting there. Eventually he stopped losing sleep, though he obsessively checked his phone for Suga. 

Instead, Tanaka’s name lit up on his phone.

**Tanaka:** So let me get this straight   
**Tanaka:** There’s no cure for Suga-sempai? It's only going to get worse and the rehab he’s doing won’t be able to stop it altogether? 

Different teammates had asked him the same questions. He wasn’t annoyed or surprised. It’s hard to find a way to open up a heavy topic like this, so he was always willing to repeat himself.

**Asahi:** Not with current technology and science. There’s medication and rehab therapy available to slow down the symptoms somewhat but nothing to take the disease. I wish there was something. A magic eraser to scrub out the disease from his genes? That would be great. 

He never intended to let his emotions spill over and vent to Tanaka. 

**Asahi:** He's still so young, Tanaka. It’s not right. Things like this should never happen to anyone and especially not Suga. Something is wrong with the world. Why him?   
**Asahi:** How is he going to live his life? He spends so much time looking after us and he hates being a burden. He won’t be able to help himself eventually   
**Asahi:** I worry about that. Is he going to be ok?    
**Asahi:** Nevermind. That's a silly question    
**Asahi:** Sorry, I didn’t mean to dump all this on you    
**Asahi:** But you get what I mean right? I want him to live and be happy with the rest of us. Do all he can before he’s gone   
**Tanaka:** Ok 

And that was the one word that made him angry. That was the only response Tanaka gave. After that there was nothing more, like “Ok” just settled everything. This wasn’t like Tanaka at all, this empty response. When Tanaka cared about something he always let the whole world know.

_ “Ok”? That’s it? Don’t you care, Tanaka? _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *faints* That's a really long chapter OAO Thanks for waiting guys =D Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter. I wanted to have more scenes and characters coming through in this chapter to pick up the pace of the story a bit and get to the really, REALLY juicy bits Nerd and I have planned.
> 
> This is probably the first time in FC that I've written in Suga's POV. I find Suga the most difficult to write tbh. Hopefully I did alright XD Writing Tsukki and Oikawa's parts is the most fun, especially that mini Daichi + Tsukki confrontation~ 
> 
> As always, let us know what you thought V^^V
> 
> ~Zero


	10. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are two talks.

If there was one thing that Sugawara Hiro grew up hearing often was “It is impossible for you to be quiet”. Which was true.

 

Hiro had always been known for it well throughout childhood and his life as an adult. He wasn’t sure what it was, but his cousin had a theory that he was an alien being that needed to move and talk constantly in order to live. When Hiro was five, he thoroughly believed it. But now, it was definitely safe for the young man to simply say he was a chatterbox. Hiro distinctly remembered his school teachers having to shush him. They usually told his own parents that he was an ‘enthusiastic’ student but that he needed to work on when was an appropriate time to talk. 

 

For instance, being unable to contain himself after he figured out the answer to whatever question the teacher asked and ending up blurting it out without raising his hand first.

 

Or talking to a fellow student when the teacher was saying something.

 

In more recent times, Hiro had been able to curb his impulsive blurt-outs for the most part. In university his outbursts were few. During several internships he greatly curved his need to talk incessantly or insert his opinion. And now, he was doing great work as a salaryman, despite the fact it meant he couldn’t be home often and might even have to go overseas on occasions.

 

But despite that, there were times his impulses would get the better of him.

 

Like when everyone was watching a movie together, there were many a time when Hiro would find himself being hushed by his wife.

 

Hiro didn’t know what it was about movies, but Hiro could definitely find himself talking throughout a movie without even realizing that he was talking through it.

 

The main character was making a terrible mistake that could have honestly have been solved had they done something entirely different? Hiro had to talk about said mistake immediately to whomever was listening, even if there hadn’t been anyone listening in the first place.

 

If they were watching a romance movie, Hiro had to talk about all the cliches that he felt were overused.

 

If he was watching a drama, Hiro had to talk about the whom he believed should truly be the main character because they would clearly have a better story line as the character dedicated to ruining the actual main character’s life. (But Hiro did enjoy watching Sumika Sumire, though that didn’t mean he talked any less).

 

Hiro was surprised his wife never taped his mouth shut before they began watching something together. Maybe it had to do with the time Risa had rolled her eyes in exasperation and told him that even if she had, Hiro would have only talked right through the tape without a care in the world.

 

Once again, Hiro would have to agree with the intelligent woman he called his wife.

 

But for once, Hiro wasn’t talking.

 

It was strange, even for him. But even though he sat on the couch, the television softly playing some drama that Hiro couldn’t remember the name for at 3 in the morning, Hiro found himself unable to say anything. The man watched the show and his ears were listening to the words the characters were saying, but he was unable to actually register them as he listened. He was too lost in his thoughts, or rather his lack of thoughts.

 

Hiro didn’t want to think about anything right now. Least of all about his son. His only son, his pride and joy.

 

Yet in spite of it all, the thoughts managed to slip in when Hiro least expected it.

 

Koushi had SCA3. Spinocerebellar ataxia type 3. The survival rates were slim to none, almost always ending to be fatal for the patient that was diagnosed. And in this case, it was his own son that had it.

 

It had been about a month since the diagnosis had been giving by the doctor, Tasaki, and yet it still felt like a fresh wound.

 

_ This is Koushi. _ Hiro had been thinking.  _ He shouldn’t be going through this. _

 

Koushi was only 17, the highlight of one’s youth, in Hiro’s opinion. 

 

His own life as a 17 year old had been full of adventure. Hiro had had his first real job, working at a cinema. He worked at the concessions stand, but when a new movie came out the manager usually took a few hands from concessions to sweep in between showings. Hiro was typically one of the employees chosen. And when Hiro was on a break, he gladly took a small bag of popcorn and sat in a room to watch whatever movie was playing until his break was over and then he went back to work.

 

That was also the age when Hiro and his friends had their one night of being rebels and staying out all night to see where their senses of adventure would take them. The three of them had somehow ended up staying at a 24 hour Denny’s drinking coffee and talking about the countries they would one day visit when they were rich.

 

Funny enough, the only one of them to leave the country was himself, even if it was only for business trips for his job.

 

But Hiro thinks the highlight of his time being 17 was the fact it was when he met his wife.

 

A small smile curved onto Hiro’s lips absently, as the fond memory filled his mind. The first good thought he had in a while.

 

“Hiro? You’re still awake?”

 

Hiro jumped at the sound of his wife’s voice bringing him out of his trip down memory lane. 

 

Risa had flicked the light on, her brown eyes full of surprised as she gazed upon her husband. She was dressed her pajamas, a small and thin blanket wrapped around her shoulders like a shawl. “Was the TV too loud?”

 

“It wasn’t.”

 

There was a pause.

 

“Do you want me to make you some tea?” Risa said at last, already on her way to kitchen after taking her blanket off her shoulders and placing it neatly on the arm of the sofa.

 

Hiro craned his neck over to follow. “Won’t that be too loud?”

 

“Not if I take the tea pot off the eye before it runs over it won’t.” Risa seemed to be able to read Hiro’s mind because she quickly added, “Koushi won’t wake up by me making us a little tea.” Hiro found a slight peace of enjoyment, watching his wife move around the kitchen. “I’m making green tea.” It was her favourite, Hiro learned long ago when they were young and the house was usually stalked with it.

 

“That was one of the first things we bought for our house.” Hiro could feel his lips curving into a small smile.

 

“What?” Risa perked.

 

“Green tea.” Came the quick answer. “You said a Japanese household wouldn’t be complete without it.” Hiro remembered with much clarity that Risa was adamant that green tea was bought when they made their first groceries for their new refrigerator when they moved in together after their wedding.

 

“And I was right.” Risa placed her hands on her hips. “That’s why we bought it.”

 

“Only because you made such a fuss about it.” Hiro teased.

 

A look of amusement blossomed on the woman’s face. “Says the one who made a fuss over whether or not we needed to get instant ramen packs instead of actual flour to make homemade noodles.”

 

Hiro laughed as softly. “I was only thinking about you and the amount of effort you put into cooking and didn’t want you to lift a finger that much since we would already be busy rearranging everything as far as furniture.”

 

Risa gave a sound of disbelief, but didn’t say anything and Hiro turned back to look at the TV. The drama was reaching some kind of end.

 

“...... See what I mean, the protagonist always tries to do everything in the most roundabout of ways.”

 

“More commentary, dear?”

 

Not really. “Of course.” That was actually the first piece of commentary Hiro had made since the show had came on, not that Hiro could really place an exact time on it. He had been distracted. “A show isn’t complete unless I’ve pointed out a majority of the flaws in the show.”

 

“Oh, Hiro.” Risa sighed.

 

Several minutes had gone by until more words had been exchanged between the couple, and that was because the tea had finally finished. Hiro stood up and turned the TV off. He hadn’t really been watching it anyway. “They never play any of the good reruns this early in the morning.” He clicked his tongue as he took a seat across the table from where Risa was sitting.

 

“Oh? What was on?”

 

“... I actually don’t know.” Hiro didn’t know how he prevented himself from guffawing when he saw his wife’s facial expression to his response.

 

Her eyebrows were knit together and disbelief and exasperation filled her eyes. “How can you complain about a rerun if you don’t know what rerun is on?”

 

“Risa, I just know these things.” Hiro took a sip of his tea, careful to not burn his tongue. “I’m like an egg farmer who can determine if an egg is still fresh or not. I can tell if a drama is egg-cellent or not.”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

“..... pffff!”

 

“Darling,” Risa had pressed her lips into a thin line. “that…. That wasn’t funny.”

 

“You laughed. You were struggling not to laugh.” Hiro argued.

 

Risa shook her head, her hair swaying with it. “I was not.” She countered, though a wide smile was on her face. “You and Koushi have the worst sense of humour of any human beings I have ever encountered.”

 

Hiro crossed his arms, “I have said it once and I will say it again, Sugawara men have great senses of humour.” He gave Risa a nudge under the table. “Maybe it’s just you who has no sense of humour, but then again if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have fallen for me.”

 

“I’ll let you believe that dear.”

 

“I will since I won you over with my quote unquote, bad sense of humour.”

 

Risa definitely was shaking her head now. “I can assure you, that you are wrong.”

 

“Am not.”

 

“Are too. You smiled!”

 

“Shhhh! Koushi, is asleep!” Risa hissed. Hiro gulped down his tea, it being considerably cooler than it was earlier. He would just be considering this one another win on his short list of victories against his wife.

 

So far they were almost tied with him at 15 and her at 45. But it was the thought that counted.

 

After falling silent to check and see if they heard anything stirring upstairs and hearing nothing, Risa piped up again. “Well, I’m glad that you’re acting normal.”

 

Oh.

 

Hiro wasn’t even sure why he felt a small spark of surprise. Of course Risa suspected something. “Was I acting abnormal earlier?”

 

Risa calmly set down her teacup for the first time since she started drinking it. “Your smiles weren’t reaching your eyes at dinner.”

 

As a family man who rarely had a chance to be home, Hiro treasured dinners with his family. But this was a dinner Hiro had found hard to enjoy, in all honesty.

 

The man barely remembered what it was that Risa had made. Leftovers, perhaps? And it wasn’t as fulfilling as usual. But at the very least, Hiro remembered trying to act as if nothing had been wrong as he talked to his family without a care in the world. 

 

Koushi had been telling them about how supportive his friends were being with the fact that he had officially quit being on the volleyball team, and the news had weighed on Hiro’s stomach like a heavy rock.

 

“I’m fine, Risa.”

 

But if Sugawara Hiro knew his wife, he was well aware of the fact that she was going to continue to push the subject.

 

“No you aren’t.” Risa placed a hand on top of Hiro’s own. He briefly marveled over how tiny her hands seemed in comparison of his own. “Koushi and you both do that. Put on a smile on your faces and pretend that nothing’s wrong. Believe it or not that’s a trait of yours that I wish Koushi didn’t have, your bad jokes aside.” Risa tried to make this light-hearted. Both of them knew it didn’t work. “Talk to me, please? I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s wrong.”

 

Hiro felt his stomach wrenching again. “What’s wrong? Risa, you already know what’s wrong.”

 

It was everything!

 

It was this disease!

 

It was the fact he was absent for who knows how long of his son’s life!

 

“Koushi’s quit volleyball!” This time, Hiro was more conscious of the volume of his voice. “There were so many games, I missed, Risa. So, so many! I can still count the number of games he’s been in that I’ve seen in person that weren’t recorded on the family camera! Do you know how many? Five!”

 

_ Five. _

 

Out of the entirety of Koushi’s career in high school volleyball, Hiro had only managed to see five in person. Even then, only a few of those in person games were seen from beginning to end. Heaven forbid Hiro got a phone call that kept him busy for minutes at a time before he could come back in the gym and ask Risa what he missed on.

 

“Do you know what that feels like?” Hiro muttered. The smiles could only take him so far. That was a bad trait of his, Risa was right. Of course, she was right. “I was actually hoping that this would be the year I could see more of them, and then Koushi’s spot on the team is taken away from him and then…. and then…” Hiro had to cut himself off.

 

The diagnosis had happened and it got harder to pretend there was nothing really wrong.

 

It had been easy to ignore in the beginning.

 

_ It’s just clumsiness. Anyone can be clumsy. My mother couldn’t cook anything without getting at least some kind of scratch on her. _ Hiro had been thinking. It was no big deal.

 

Koushi would get better.

 

Except he didn’t.

 

Koushi tripped at least three times during the weekends that Hiro was here to spend with him and Risa. Koushi always brushed them off with a smile and a wave of his hand.

 

_ “I’m alright, stop fussing so much! I can get up by myself, don’t worry.” _

 

“Hiro, you can’t beat yourself up for that. You were working, Koushi understood that.”

 

“That doesn’t make it alright with me.” Hiro said tersely. “Why did this even happen to our son, huh? He’s a good kid! He tells a bad joke every once in awhile and we’re all supposed to be fine with him getting a disease with no cure?” His own eyes searched his wife’s as if he was expecting for some kind of answer.

 

Something. Anything.

 

Risa remained calm, a stark contrast to how she was behaving when she was yelling at him over the phone for acting like Koushi was fine. “There’s no point in trying to get mad right now, Hiro.” Her voice may have sounded strained for a brief moment, but Risa continued on. “For now, we need to think about the future.”

 

No.

 

“Hiro… Koushi is going to get worse. I know it’s hard to think about, but he is. And we’re going to need to start talking about these things early so we can prepare for it. The doctor said that each patient progresses differently, so I’m not sure when we’re going to be eligible to sign Koushi up for disability and--”

 

“Disability?” This time it was Hiro giving his wife a look of utter disbelief. “What do you mean disability?”

 

Now his wife was giving him a look of surprise. “Well, it would make things easier for Koushi. Having a disability card gives him access to cheaper things from bus fare to a wheelchair.”

 

“Wheelchair?!” This time, Hiro couldn’t give a damn on whether or not he was speaking low enough. No son of his was going to be using a wheelchair. “How do you even know that Koushi will need one?!”  _ How could you be so cold, Risa? _

 

Risa seemed exasperated. “The doctor already told us that Koushi would be needing a wheelchair further down the road when it becomes too hard for him to walk or loses the ability to walk completely, Hiro, this isn’t new information.”

 

“Well maybe the doctor was wrong.”

 

“ _ Wrong _ about diagnosing Koushi with a disease?”

 

Hiro knew how stupid that sounded. “I meant, what if it was the wrong disease. Tasaki said that there were many types of this SCA disease, right? What if Koushi has one of the other ones that aren’t as bad?”

 

“Hiro--”

 

“It can happen!”

 

“But you already know this isn’t the case!”

 

Hiro took a deep breath. He knew that it wasn’t the case. He really did. But the thought of seeing his only son on disability and in a wheelchair? It was too much, far too soon.

 

“Let’s just talk about something else.” Anything else. What they were talking about before all this, his sense of humour and how bad it was. Or about who would be walking Mari in the morning and arguing over whose day it really was to walk the cute dog Koushi had begged to have when he found out that a schoolmate’s dogs had recently had puppies.

 

“Hiro, this isn’t just a topic we can avoid and then--”

 

Hiro cut his wife off. “I’m tired.” He stood up and didn’t look back at her. “Let’s talk about this later.”

 

* * *

 

“Ryuu! I’m going out now! Ma and Pop said they’ll be back later!”

 

“Got it!” Ryuunosuke called back at his sister, enthusiastically. 

 

His eyes were glued to his textbook. It was a rare sight; Tanaka Ryuunosuke actually taking the time to study that is. Not that he really was. 

 

He closed his Japanese textbook, and shoved it aside with a heavy sigh.

 

Ryuunosuke was restless. His phone laid in arm’s reach on the table he was sitting by calling for him. Without much effort, Ryuu picked it up, put in his passcode, and went directly to his text messages.

 

The images from when he last saw Suga were still fresh in his mind.

 

It had seemed like a good idea at first, when Daichi had sent a group text for everyone to meet outside the gym sometime during their week-long canceled practice that they should all visit Suga at the hospital. In fact, Tanaka had remembered feeling relatively ecstatic. If they went to see Suga, they could give the proper encouragement that he needed and maybe the fight between the two captains in his life could finally dissipate.

 

It was truly a nice suggestion, until they had actually arrived at the hospital.

 

Karasuno had stayed from start to finish.

 

They had even gotten to meet Suga’s mother, who was even more beautiful than Kiyoko-- words that Ryuu had never thought he would ever utter from his lips. And Suga, while surprised, seemed like he was mostly happy to see everyone.

 

He’d given them all that large familiar smile that Tanaka had grown accustomed to over the past two years. To the point that it had been a strange anomaly to not see it anymore at least once a day during practice.

 

And Ryuu knew it wasn’t just him that felt that way. It was everyone. Suga was easily considered the ‘team mom’, on the team. The one you would go to for protection or advice when the ‘team dad’ was too scary to approach. Suga being gone was like a crow losing a wing. How could a crow fly without a wing?

 

It didn’t.

 

So in the beginning, seeing Suga during rehab was some kind of bringer of hope for Ryuu. That maybe Suga would turn out for the better and end up kicking this disease he had on the ass like a true Karasuno volleyball club member. 

 

The fall had happened so suddenly, Tanaka could barely process it. 

 

Suga was fine one moment, and then suddenly on the ground the next.

 

After everyone had made sure Suga was okay, they had all went back to watching. Cheering quietly as to not get kicked out the room, but Tanaka knew in his heart of hearts that his own cheering wasn’t as meaningful as the ones before the fall at the parallel bars happened.

 

Ryuu shook his head.

 

He needed a distraction. And if there was anyone that Tanaka new of that could, at the very least, somewhat give him that distraction-- it was his best friend. Libero of his own team, Nishinoya Yuu. Ryuu was sure the two of the agreed that their meeting was a fated one. 

 

It was first year and they had the same class together, Tanaka was half asleep in class when the teacher called on him to answer some history question. “Umm…. Harry Potter?” The teacher proceeded to give Tanaka a blank look as he told him that he had asked about the reading on the last emperor of Japan and that he was pretty sure Harry Potter, a fictional wizard, was not it.

 

Noya had laughed so hard he almost peed himself.

 

They both got detention and they had been friends ever since.

 

It was a good memory, something that seemed as if the Karasuno boys volleyball team wasn’t getting recently.

 

 **Me:** hey bro, can you talk?

**Noya-san:** yooooo

 

Tanaka let out a small sigh of relief. His best bro was within texting distance of his phone.

 

**Noya-san:** what’s up?

**Me:** i’ve just been thinking about suga-san. i asked asahi, he says there really is no cure for suga-sans disease

**Me:** and that there really isn’t anything we can do for him

 

The rehab included.

 

It was all pointless.

 

It wasn’t a matter of getting a spunky couple of first years with an abnormal quick routine, a new coach, and some lessons in teamwork. This was a disease that was going to slowly eat away at their former vice-captain until there was nothing left of him. The falling was just the start.

 

**Noya-san:** thats why we have to stick by him and show him all our support, duh the way i see it is that suga-san was always there for us, even when we screwed up a bunch and made daichi-san mad. so we have to show him our support and cheer him up with the times get tough. We would be shitty teammates if we didn’t

 

Ryuu felt a small surge of envy that Noya was so confident. His best bro for life had always been confident and sure of himself, short height and all. The guy knew where his loyalties would always be and didn’t look back once he made a decision.

 

Ryuu was glad this was the person he called his best friend.

 

**Noya-san:** we should even make shirts for it! team suga-san shirts!! 

Came a text not long after the previous one.

**Noya:** bro you gotta help me make some!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh sweet mother of all good things it took me forever to write this OTL.
> 
> I want to thank my good friend, Writer's Block, for constantly being there when it came to working on this chapter. I had soooo much writer's block. But I guess in this case, I can truly thank Zero, since a lot of my creative flow came from talking to her about how we wanted to portray characters in the future. And I can definitely thank the people leaving comments, a huge motivation for any person writing fanfiction online. Kudos are high fives and comments and recs are like godsend gifts from the heaven and I wish I could thank you all! Old reviewers and the new, the comments are always so interesting to read and make me feel great. I think I can also vouch for Zero on that one, who is as talented a writer as always.
> 
> And did I mention that she has a new rarepair blog up and going? If I remember correctly, it's strictly NSFW, but if you guys have some kind of scenario you wanted to happen between some fav characters of yours, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't mind if you hopped on over to this blog and started going to the ask box~. Just make sure to read the FAQ and rules, just so you know what's allowed in advance. I'm really sure that would be an even more pleasant surprise for her.
> 
> http://hq-rarefountain.tumblr.com
> 
> But promotions for a friend aside, despite the trouble I had writing this chapter (and I had a lot of trouble), I think I had fun writing it. Hiro has been such a favourite for the people who have been reading and I was glad to show a different side of him, the side of him that's hurting and seems more adult. And Tanaka too, the team hype man. He has deep thoughts himself, as well.


	11. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the first years go shopping.

“Do you want anything to drink? We’ve got tea, coffee, milk—and plain old water of course.” Sugawara turned off the tap and flicked water at Yamaguchi before drying off his hands with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

“Tea is good,” Yamaguchi laughed, wiping at his cheek. 

_ I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in a bad mood _ , thought Yamaguchi,  _ even though things must be hard for him.  _ Sugawara always shone with a stubborn light that refused to go out. A bit like Hinata, except Hinata was more of a blinding flash. Sugawara felt more permanent, reminding Yamaguchi of Tsukishima’s calmness, but even Tsukishima had his moods. He looked up to Sugawara because of his strength and kindness. It was sad Sugawara had to leave the team, but health was more important.

“How was your weekend?” 

The light in Sugawara’s eyes flickered out at the question. He seemed to stutter in his thoughts. 

_ Did I say the wrong thing?  _ thought Yamaguchi. He hadn’t seen Sugawara for a long time, maybe Sugawara wasn’t doing as well he thought. 

Just as he was about to apologise Sugawara’s voice cut through the silence as tea gurgled into the mugs. “The same as always I suppose. A lot quieter now that Asahi and Daichi are busy with study. Enough about my bland weekend. How was yours?” Sugawara stared at their tea, getting lost in the hazy mists fluttering over the surface of the amber liquid. With a deep breath his eyes came back to focus. His face scrunched up with extreme concentration as he carefully handed Yamaguchi one of the mugs, warning him it was still hot.

Yamaguchi accepted it without a thought. “It was very lively!” As long as Sugawara’s mind was in a good place then that was a small victory. 

“I’m going to guess it was another Hinata adventure?” Sugawara waggled his eyebrows. He grinned behind his mug, but the way his eyes crinkled wasn’t so easily hidden. 

“It was, but this time with Kageyama, Tsukki and Yachi.”

“Kageyama and Tsukishima as well? That’s rare!”

“Yea, the two of them grumbled a lot at first. Especially Tsukki, you know how he is. But everyone had fun. We went to a really cool greenhouse!”

“You’ll have to take me there when I finally get crutches.” 

“Definitely.”

-

It was on lunch break when Yamaguchi had first seen the photo. From what Tsukishima told him everyone had already seen it all over the internet ages ago. In Tsukishima’s words it was “five internet centuries ago”. All except for Yamaguchi that is. It was a picture of an old man, face split in two with a smile so genuine it made Yamaguchi’s heart warm. The man was about to give his terrarium a dash of water for the first time in forty years. That in itself was incredible, but what caught Yamaguchi’s attention was how happy the man was with something as small and simple as a thriving plant in a bottle. He wanted to be that happy. Before he realised it he had said it out loud, “Won’t it be nice? I want to be as happy as this old man is with his plants!”

Kageyama blinked as he swallowed a huge mouthful of rice. “What’s stopping you?”

What  _ was _ stopping him? He had food, a roof over his head and he could go to school. He was healthy too. Honestly, he couldn’t think of a single reason why he shouldn’t be as happy as the old man.  He was sure Kageyama was taking this literally though. “For a start, I don’t have a terrarium.” 

And of course, Kageyama gave him a literal answer: “Then you should go get one.” He promptly dived right back into his lunch with renewed fervour. He almost choked with how quickly he was eating. Yamaguchi suspected he was instinctively competing with Hinata on how much and how fast they could eat. This was why Yachi was always prepared with a glass of water. Once, Yamaguchi even caught Tsukishima reading up on the heimlich manoeuvre after a particularly close call. 

He thought about getting one. There were many beautiful terrarium designs. There were even some just for cactus that were pretty cool. But he didn’t seriously commit to getting one. It was a unique fantasy of sorts, though it sounds grandiose to call thinking about getting a terrarium a fantasy. That’s what he did that evening. Looking at everyone else’s terrariums, researching different types and thinking about how nice it would be to have one.

Except it all changed in the morning. 

-

Delicate branches of sea fans swayed with the soothing breath of an ocean current. Some blushed red, others a soft peach and even a touch of lavender. Schools of small, bright blue fishes darted about in between the sea fans as though camera shy.

“Do you think corals are really that colourful or is it just movie magic?” Sugawara asked from his pile of cushions. He had built himself a comfortable nest on the couch.

“Probably a bit of both,” Yamaguchi replied. “My cousin went snorkeling nearby a coral reef once. The ones he saw were bleached and he got a horrible rash because the water was polluted there. I’m not sure why he would swim in water with rubbish floating around in it.”

Sugawara sighed, “I’ve always wanted to swim around in a coral reef.”

The scene changed in the documentary. Coloured drained out of the screen to show abandoned reefs. But a lone yellow fish and the blue water told them it was the corals that lost their colour. The narrator went on to explain global warming and its effects on already threatened coral reefs.

“Now would be a good time to do it in case we can’t save the reefs,” joked Yamaguchi.

Sugawara laughed and hid his face in one of the cushions.

-

Bleary-eyed and still in his pajamas, Yamaguchi couldn't make sense of the mess piled up on his doorstep. At first it looked like dirty laundry he didn’t recognise as his own. The only problem was it was  _ alive _ and moving. His sleepy brain said this wasn’t normal, but today he was going to roll with it.

In front of it was Yachi, already stammering, “S-sorry about the noise. I know it's early but…” She turned and gestured helplessly at the sentient pile of clothes. 

“Let go, dumbass!”

_ Dumbass? _ Yamaguchi blinked slowly.  _ That sounds really familiar. _ His mind was still moving at a slow crawl. Eventually it got there and something clicked. Everything was beginning to make sense.

“No! You'll try to leave. Tsukishima, do something!”

Tsukishima, caught between Hinata and Kageyama as they struggled, let out a long-suffering sigh. 

Yamaguchi could almost see Tsukishima’s thought bubble. “Why do I have to be here? Why are they clinging onto me?” it said.

He squinted at Tsukishima. Tsukishima looked different today, but he didn't know what changed. He'd have to wait for his brain to wake up properly. 

“Are we going somewhere?” he asked Yachi.

Hinata piped up, “Yea! let's get you a terrarium.”

This visit had the signature of Hinata’s haphazard and last minute planning written all over it. Then again, it’s just a visit to a plant shop. What could go wrong? Besides, it’d been awhile since he had gone out with friends. Also because he wanted a terrarium. If he was being honest with himself, if Hinata had never decided they were all going he probably wouldn’t ever end up getting a terrarium on his own. He wanted to say he had no idea why he usually took forever to go after something he wanted. Even if it was something as simple as a terrarium. The truth was, it’s just so much easier when it’s someone else’s idea. It took away the pressure and anxiety of making a decision. What if it was the wrong choice? What if he didn’t like it? If it’s someone else leading the way he didn’t need to think about that.

The plant shop was a place Yachi found online. If it weren’t for Yachi they’d never know the place existed. The reason nobody knew about it was because it was a pain to get to. The three hour train ride to the outskirts of town wasn’t so bad, but after the train was an uphill trek along an uneven path through a small forest. At least the thick canopy above shielded them from the sun. On the bright side, the sounds of the wind whispering between them and the birds were relaxing. 

Once they arrived they were greeted by a huge greenhouse shimmering like a mirage in the arms of the forest. Nestled in its side was a small wooden cottage. Exactly the kind of place Yamaguchi imagined a modern witch would grow herbs and brew their potions in. Inside, the air was filled with nothing but glass terrariums. Shafts of yellow sunlight filtered through the high ceilings and the glass terrariums within glittered with life. The hanging ones seemed to drip from the ceiling like summer rain. The ones that didn’t hang sat on wooden shelves, some of them were nestled carefully in driftwood. There were tiny ones hanging from ropes as though waiting to be opened. 

It was a magical, tranquil place. Peaceful.  

He was suddenly very aware that almost everything in here was made of glass. Heck, the walls were made of glass too. His anxiety went through the roof. Here they were in a glass room full of delicate glass objects with a price tag. Normally, that wouldn’t be a problem. But Hinata and Kageyama...with glass. The very thought of it was an accident waiting to happen.

Yamaguchi looked up just in time to see a low hanging terrarium whack Tsukishima in the face. Tsukishima wasn’t wearing glasses today. So that’s what was different.

Oh, no. There was a good chance they might end up having to buy every terrarium.

-

“Yamaguchi?” 

“Yes?” Yamaguchi’s breath caught in his throat when he looked up at Sugawara. Under the fluorescent light coming from the TV Sugawara’s skin was pallid and his mouth was a grim line. He didn’t look well at all. “S-sugawara-san, are you ok?”

“Huh?” Confusion coloured Sugawara’s features. “I’m fine. I’m getting some snacks. Do you want any?”

Yamaguchi shook his head. “I’m ok.”  _ Just a trick of the light, Tadashi. Stop scaring yourself. _

Sugawara hobbled over to the kitchen, leaning on the wall and furniture for support.

-

Thankfully, he wasn’t the only one who was worried. Yachi shared a nervous, but determined glance with him. The plan was to prevent the three of them from breaking anything. Yamaguchi watched over Hinata and Kageyama while Yachi lead Tsukishima around the greenhouse as he squinted at everything. Given Tsukishima’s height, he had to hunch over and avoid the dangling terrariums all the time. In fact, the only ones who could walk around the greenhouse comfortably were Hinata and Yachi. 

Yamaguchi wandered a few paces behind the troublesome duo, always keeping them in his line of sight. For once Hinata didn't fly through the air like an arrow. That wasn't like him at all, but Yamaguchi had to say it was better than the alternative. 

Kageyama reached up to one of the shelves. To Yamaguchi’s surprise Hinata put his hand over Kageyama's wrist. “Be careful. It's not a volleyball.”

“Don't worry.”

They were so well-behaved Yamaguchi felt terrible for expecting the worst. He should have a little more faith in them. 

“Hey, this one's the best isn't it?” Kageyama showed them a round terrarium clustered with cactuses in silky looking sand contrasting with layered stripes of charcoal. It was a black and white desert in a bubble. “If you forget to water it for a few days it’ll still be fine.”

“Isn’t that dangerous though? Too spiky for Natsu. I like this one.” Hinata pointed to a glass pitcher on one of the shelves. String of pearls spilled out of the pitcher to trail over the shelf and flow into the air below like a waterfall of glossy, green pearls. Even when it was still it seemed to move. “They don't need much water either. 

“Carnivorous plants are obviously the best. They’ve got character.” Tsukishima held an apothecary jar. At the bottom was a lush bed of mosses. From it emerged tall scarlet flutes. It was beautiful in a strange way.

Tsukishima squinted down at Yachi’s hand, trying to get a better look. “What did you pick?” 

Cradled in her palm was the tiniest terrarium Yamaguchi had ever seen. It was a square bottle with a cork stopper. Inside it was a miniature fern.

“It’s cute.” She smiled brightly. “Yamaguchi, have you picked one out yet?”

“Not yet. Too many options.”

He couldn’t decide. There were so many different shapes and combinations of plants it was overwhelming. He didn't have the faintest idea of what his ideal terrarium looked like. He wasn't sure what he wanted in a terrarium. _It's just a terrarium,_ he reminded himself, _don't think too hard._ What did he want? What would make him happy like that old man and his plants? 

Maybe one of his friends’ terrariums would point him in the right direction. They were all great options. Like the night before he slipped into the world of imagination. He pictured what it would be like to have each of their terrariums. Except none of them felt right for him while each terrarium suited his friends perfectly. Kageyama was strong and determined, just like a cactus. Prickly too at times. Hinata’s choice was just as free and uninhibited as he was. Carnivorous plants were clever and inventive. Something Tsukishima would be sure to appreciate. Yachi’s fern was bright and positive, trying its best in its little bottle.

What defining feature did he have? Who was he? Yamaguchi was sure this wasn’t the time and place to have an identity issue.

Then he saw his reflection ghosted over the glass of a small globe. It was sealed off with a matching glass stopper. Captured within were three different types of moss. All of them soft and touchable. Nestled in the middle were smooth, black pebbles worn down by a river. It was a tiny, grassy hill he could lie down in and be at peace with his thoughts. 

And that was what he went home with.

-

Yamaguchi shuffled into his shoes and fidgeted with the strap of his bag at the door. “Before I go, I want you to have this.” He handed Sugawara a small brown paper package tied with green twine. 

Sugawara turned it curiously in his hands, trying to feel what might be inside. He gave the twine a simple tug and the crinkled paper unfolded. Resting inside was an oval open-top terrarium. The glass was so clear he almost couldn’t see it, and so light he was afraid breathing on it would make it shatter. 

“It’s just the terrarium because I’m not sure what plants you’d like,” Yamaguchi added hurriedly, rubbing the back of his neck. “Whatever you choose, I hope when you see the tiny landscape grow it’ll make you happy.”

“Oh, Yamaguchi, you’re the nicest person in the world.” Sugawara held the terrarium close to his chest. “Just receiving it already makes me happy.”

-

It was weeks before Yamaguchi saw Sugawara again. He was working hard on his own exams. Sugawara’s crutches still hadn’t arrived, so he was still cooped up at home.

As usual they talked about their friends, watched a movie and ate a lot. Nothing out of the ordinary. On the way back from the bathroom Yamaguchi caught a glimpse of Sugawara’s room. Sitting on the windowsill was the terrarium. Curiosity got the better of him. He couldn’t help but step in and have a look. He had been wondering what Sugawara would put in his terrarium.

The terrarium was filled with water. At the bottom was a bed of sand as white as snow. Growing from the centre was a single white sea fan, its thin branches reaching out towards an opening it would never touch. There was no current to make it sway, only unchanging whiteness and water so still it could become ice if it waited long enough.

“What do you think?”

Yamaguchi jumped. Sugawara patted him on the shoulder and laughed, “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Is that a real sea fan?”  _ Is it legal to have them?  _ Yamaguchi wondered.

“No, this one’s made of resin.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi nodded in understanding. “It’s pretty.”

“You’re probably wondering why I didn’t put a plant in it. Someone who can’t grow cactus can’t be saved. I’m one of those people. So I thought it would be better if I didn’t put anything alive in there. Wouldn’t have to worry about watering it. Probably wouldn’t have to worry about overwatering either.”

Yamaguchi watched his friend closely. There didn’t seem to be anything wrong. Sugawara still smiled and he was healthy despite his impaired mobility. But Sugawara’s terrarium seemed awfully lonely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHH!!! AN UPDATE!! This time I experimented with the structure by fracturing it. I've never written with this type of structure before, but it was super fun to try something different. Hopefully it was still easy to understand. Did my ideas come across? OAO Let me know what you think this chapter is about!
> 
> I loved writing Yamaguchi as well, though I'm not sure how well I characterised him tbh. I want to write more of him ^0^
> 
> ~Zero


End file.
